The Trinity Times
by Umeko
Summary: The Pope and 2 Cardinals start a newspaper. AX handling the advice columns? Issue 24 Up. Completed
1. Issue 1

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters

This is my first Trinity Blood fanfic. I have chosen a different way of presenting it as a newsletter parody. The 'trinity' of editors is 2 cardinals and a pope.

I apologize beforehand for any erroneous representations of the Church and state that I have nothing against the Catholic Church or any other orthodox religion. I also have nothing against vampires, if they exist. So please don't suck my blood. I'm anaemic. This is all in the spirit of a parody.

This series may contain spoilers for the anime. I am following the anime, so far up to episode 12.

* * *

_The Trinity Times_

_Issue 1 - Pilot Issue_

Dear all faithful followers

Due to the recent spate of rumours spreading fear and panic in our holy city, the college of cardinals have decided that it is time for the clergy to work towards allaying the fears of the masses. Hence, my brother and sister have graciously agreed to assist me in this holy endeavour in bringing to you this pilot issue of our newspaper to be distributed throughout Europe.

We will also be introducing an advice column for those who wish to seek guidance but are too shy to seek counselling face-to-face. A counsellor will be selected from our experienced staff. The voting is currently in progress and the results will be released in the following issue. Editorials are also welcome. Please send all letters to the newly formed Vatican News Office.

Personal ads are also welcome for a little contribution to the church. However, all content will be screened by the Bureau of Inquisition for potential unwholesome materials.

God's peace be upon you.

_Chief Editor,  
__Pope Alessandro

* * *

_

Airship Hijack! 60 odd dead

Miracle Spares the Holy City

Last night an Albion airship travelling en route from London to Rome was the victim of what appears to be a politically motivated hijack. The airship _Tristan_ was believed to carrying about 65 passengers and crew. The passenger list has yet to be released to the press. The lone hijacker, a vampire, is believed to be a member of the extremist group Fleur du Mal. The hijacker's identity has been released to the press as Count Alfred Meinz, a vampire. He was believed to have threatened to crash the airship into the Holy City unless the Vatican released his fellow extremists who are currently held in the Vatican's high security prison awaiting trial on the charges of conspiracy and murder.

According to survivor, flight stewardess Miss Jessica Lange, the hijacker gained entry to the cockpit and swiftly overpowered the flight crew and took over control of the flight. The hijacker is believed to have used a master disc to overwrite the flight autopilot, causing the airship to change its original flight path. Radio contact with the Tristan was lost. Miss Lange was saved by the quick thinking and courage of an alert passenger. The duo then found the ship's backup control where Miss Lange, a trainee pilot, managed to regain manual control of the ship with the assistance of the unnamed passenger.

Many of the other passengers and crew were not as fortunate. The vampire went through the ship on a killing spree shortly after overwriting the flight commands. Miss Lange and her rescuer were also attacked in the backup control centre. However, the passenger, believed to be a priest, managed to fight off the hijacker. The vampire then committed suicide under mysterious circumstances, according to authorities.

The authorities have requested that this passenger remain anonymous and turned down all attempts by the press to interview him as he is currently assisting with the investigations. He is believed to have been whisked away soon after Miss Lange landed the vessel.

However, we managed to catch Miss Lange before her return flight to London. "It was very scary, I thought we were all going to die," the petite young woman replied when asked about her feelings, "but Father (the priest) helped me stay calm. He believed in my ability even more than I believed in myself. I thank him from the bottom of my heart. I still owe him a sandwich though. I want to say this to him: I'll make you the sandwich on your next flight with me, Father!"

Despite the hijack, Miss Lange is undeterred from taking to the skies again. On contrary, she states that she is all the more determined to pursue her childhood dream of becoming an airship pilot. We wish this spunky lady all the best and may she earn her pilot's wings soon.

Notably, the culprit Count Meinz is also wanted by the Albion authorities on charges of murder. Investigations are underway in Albion on how this criminal managed to board the airship despite a nationwide warrant for his arrest.

The Pope gives God thanks for the miracle that has spared the Vatican from disaster. A memorial service will be held for the victims of this disaster followed by a short mass of thanksgiving tomorrow at noon. May God's perpetual light shine upon them.

_Decision to Shoot Down Hijacked Airship?_

The Albion ambassador to Rome has requested an audience with Cardinal Francesco after rumours that an order was given by him to shoot down the hijacked _Tristan_. After the air control in London lost contact with the Tristan, an Albion battleship, _St. Andrew,_ on standby in the Mediterranean picked up the _Tristan_ on radar, closely pursued by what appeared to be a missile. Lending weight to the rumour is the unexplained presence of two Vatican battleships in the vicinity. The missile then disappeared from the radar. The battleships declined to identity themselves when challenged by the _St. Andrew._

The Vatican denies all involvement in this incident. Cardinal Catherina has graciously offered to look into this serious allegation against the Vatican. Cardinal Francesco has yet to grant audience to the Albion ambassador at press time. It is understood that a joint inquiry will be set up to look into this hijacking.

* * *

New Vatican Times NOT official newsletter

Copies of a newsletter being circulated among the clergy have drawn the attention of the Cardinal Catherina. The Duchess of Milan wishes to clarify that the publication titled _New Vatican Times_ is not officially sanctioned by the Church. Its origins have been traced to an unknown city in Spain. The publication is noted for its strident criticism of certain high-ranking leaders of the church. Strangely, the publication which has so vehemently condemned our existing leaders gave glowing accounts regarding the good works of Cardinal Alfonso who has been in self-imposed exile for 5 years. Cardinal Alfonso denies any knowledge of the newspaper or any interviews by the tabloid. Investigations are still underway.

* * *

_Notice: Missing Child_

The Bureau of Inquisition is seeking information on the whereabouts of 10-year-old Eris Wurzmeier. Female. Height: 1.2 m, Weight 18kg. Black eyes and blond hair. Last seen hanging about an abandoned chapel in Florence. Classified as 'Witch'. If spotted, do not approach this child. Notify the nearest Vatican representative immediately.

* * *

Editorial by Duke Medici  
Vampires cannot be trusted

Dear readers,

I am shocked to hear that certain persons are considering negotiations with the vermin nest of vampires known as the Empire. Let me remind you that those blood-sucking monsters have no place on our planet! Despite opinions to the contrary, the only way we can ensue lasting peace is the total annihilation of this foul race. I urge all true believers to lend your strength and prayers to the Inquisition forces as we forge onwards to our holy goal of a vampire-free planet.

- Duke of Medici

_(Fellow vice-editor C: Brother! That is totally uncalled for!_

_Chief Editor A cowers in his throne as 2 vice-editors have a violent quarrel.)

* * *

_

Albion Fruit Tea Recipe by Sister Kate

I have been asked many times by my colleagues for this recipe, so I am putting it in this paper so my communication lines don't get choked up by future requests. For that rich fruit Albion tea you guys so love, use 250ml of boiling water to a teabag to bring out the fruitiness. The water must be freshly boiled, not boiled and left on the table for an hour. Allow to soak for five minutes for full flavour.

Fruit tea can be enjoyed hot or cold with sugar. Add sugar to taste. I personally recommend two cubes. However, you may add more according to your personal preferences. 13? (Sweat-drop) if that really is your preference…

* * *

Personal Ad:

Sword dancer, you have not contacted us for the past months. Even I can't find you on my radar. Please do so if you are reading this. Where on God's good Earth are you? - Iron Maiden

Advertisement:

A good, responsible mechanic-doctor wanted for maintenance of cyborg. Must be good with ammunitions. Please apply to AX office, Level 2, Vatican Square.

* * *

**Author's notes: **

This is a very drastic change from my regular fanfiction fodder. I am fairly new to science fantasy.

I have not decided on who to handle the advice column yet. Sister Noelle? Father Abel? Sister Esther? Leon? Or maybe one of the editors, like Lady Catherina? Guess we just have to find out. Please review. Suggestion for improvement welcome.


	2. Issue 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters

Still waiting for the next boxset to be released so I can continue this with more references to the later half of the anime. Well I have written this issue with whatever I know from eps 1 to 12. Sorry if I misrepresent anyone.

* * *

_The Trinity Times_

_Issue 2_

Vatican Bureau of Inquisitions (VBI)

IMPORTANT NOTICE

All citizens of God are to be on the alert for any suspicious characters lurking in your neighbourhood after recent reports place a vampire terrorist group in major cities. These vampires aim to destroy our lives and cause widespread pain and suffering. The terrorist group is believed to be named Fleur du Mal, a splinter group of the highly dangerous Rosenkruz terrorist group with followers all over the known world.

Recent raids by the VBI have decimated their numbers but a good number are believed to be still in hiding. Said terrorists are believed to be holed up in dark cellars and abandoned buildings during daylight. If you have reason to believe the empty house on your street is being inhabited by these creatures of the night, please contact the nearest Vatican authority immediately. Do not attempt to capture or approach them.

* * *

_Predawn Raid on Terrorist Nest_

_Hostage Rescued_

Two weeks ago, a highly trained team of specialists launched a successful raid on a safe house of the notorious Fleur du Mal terrorists and rescued a young hostage who was held by the vampires. The details of this raid were just released today after the completion of preliminary investigations. The raid took place late at night on an abandoned chapel in Florence, Italy. This is one of many raids carried out by the VBI to root out this terrorist menace. The unnamed hostage was unharmed. All the terrorists were killed in a shootout during the raid.

* * *

Tug of Love over Child

Courts rule in favour of convent

The Vatican courts have ruled that a young girl, to be known only as E to the public, will remain in the care of a small Florentine convent. The girl was the centre of a custody tussle between the convent and another unnamed institution of the Holy Church. Little E was rescued from the clutches what was believed to be a terrorist group. She had been entrusted to the convent by Cardinal Sforza. The cardinal's decision was challenged by an unnamed church officer as inappropriate for the child's well-being on the grounds of the child's special hereditary medical condition.

However, the courts found that the child's condition has in no way affected her life or the convent in any adverse way. "She's a veritable angel," Sister Louise, one of E's caregivers, stated. "She's an absolutely charming child and contrary to what they say, she has not caused us any trouble at all. She gets along perfectly with the others and our cats of course."

"I like the convent. Everyone's really nice. They have really friendly cats in there," the little girl chirped when asked over the telephone as the reporters were denied contact with her. E cheerfully declared that she wants to grow up to help stray cats. Till then, she wishes to live with the Sisters. She also sends her love to Father Abel and Brother Tres, the good guys who saved her from the bad people.

* * *

Shock over Death of Istvan Abbess

Abbess Laura Vitez of the St Matthias of Istvan was found dead on the steps of the grand Istvan cathedral early on Sunday morning by a passing jogger. It was understood that she was last seen alive the night before praying before the altar. From initial appearances, she broke her neck after slipping on the front steps. Police have not released the exact details of her death. Istvan police chief Colonel Radcon ruled the death a misadventure despite its many discrepancies.

The nun who assisted her in the day-to-day running of the cathedral was too distraught to be interviewed. However, rumours in the flock have pointed that the abbess had a recent run-in with the mayor, Lord Gyula, over the use of church land beside the cathedral. Tensions are high between the humans and vampires of Istvan where both races have maintained a somewhat peaceful coexistence for decades.

* * *

_Editorial: Why can't we get along?_

_By Father A. Nightroad, Travelling Priest_

Methuselah or Terran, vampire or human, we are all the same in most aspects. As a travelling priest, my work takes me into contact with folks from all walks of life. What I have learnt is this: we are all capable of feelings. Grief when we lose a loved one. We can feel anger when we are wronged, joy and love when we are with those dear to our hearts, like that delicious cheesecake in the window (la-la-la)… WHAT? Four dinas. I'm down to 4 dinas for this week….(whine) Er, as I was saying, we are all humans. There may be slight differences, but we are all the same inside.

_(A. Nightroad: Catherina-san, will I get a pay-raise if I do a column?_

_Catherina: No. Here's your next assignment.)_

* * *

Advice Column

Hi ya all, our advice column is OPEN! And it is Ask Leon! Not that much is going on where I am holed up... For certain matters of the heart, my gunslinger colleague HC-double I X will be willing to lend a couple of nuts (and bolts)! For the ladies, if you have certain matters not proper to ask a gentleman, Sister N will be willing to aid you.

_Dear Vatican Agony Aunt_

_I need some advice concerning some moral issues. Someone close to me has died and I strongly believe that her death is no accident. But the police force here is in the pay of the one I suspect is responsible. What should I do? I do have some ideas, but I am afraid they are morally wrong…_

_- Troubled in Istvan _

Dear Troubled

That sounds a bummer! I suggest a session at the local firing range to clear your head, then party at the pub (works for me). Your loved one wouldn't want you moping about the rest of your life. And it's Ask Leon!

- Leon

Please ignore my colleague's poor taste in advice about guns and pubs. Find someone you can trust to confide in. You will feel loads better after that.

Yours in prayer,

- Sister N

_Dear Agony Aunt_

_My hubby is a charming gentleman of noble birth but he refuses to come out in the daytime. He is so particular about the sun he had all the windows of our home tinted if not boarded up. He then spends the whole night out. He does (ahem) make love to me but his pointy teeth leave some nasty love-bites. I am finding it increasingly difficult to live with him. I think our 4 month marriage is heading down a dead end._

_- Married to a Weirdo _

Dear Married

According to my computations, all parameters point to your spouse as being a Methuselah, Centerian or more commonly known as vampire. I suggest re-checking your specs for compatibility.

-HC- IIX

* * *

_Personal Ad_

Iron Maiden calling Sword Dancer. AGAIN. Please get in touch with your colleagues when you see this ad. We're starting to think something bad happened to you this round. Or are you simply in hiding from the last time?

* * *

_WANTED: _

_Personal hairdresser. Preferably female and human. Must be able to get hair immaculately curled and set at short notice. Must be able to deal with tangled curls and split ends incurred by stressful run-ins with pompous high-level Vatican officials. Interested parties to send their resumes to Milan Courts._

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

Someone's still not responding to the ads. Thank you for all the reviews so far.

The advice column 'Ask Leon' is open. Leon sorta reminds me of a cowboy for some reason. It's that devil-may-care attitude. Sister N and Gunslinger will keep his advice from getting too wild. I think we all know who's troubled in Istvan. Maria Kadar definitely did not write the other letter. I was thinking a memorial for her, but it is unlikely Lord Gyula will use a Vatican paper for that.


	3. Issue 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters

Still waiting for the later half of the anime to be released. Suspense is killing me... I took a bit of Leon from the manga for the drug lords shootout. I don't know why he's in prison in the anime. Will they tell in the later eps?

* * *

_The Trinity Times _

_Issue 3 _

MYSTERY FLASH

Meteor Strike decimates Vatican Fleet

Fireballs rain on Istvan

A fleet of twenty Vatican airships under the Bureau of Inquisitions was vaporized in what initial reports state is a freak meteor strike. A professor from the University of Rome stresses that for such intense energy to be unleashed in such a short span of time is beyond any science or technology known to mankind. Eyewitnesses claimed they saw a bright flash of intense light strike the fleet before radio contact was lost. Investigations are unable to proceed as no wreckage was left for investigators. Authorities are baffled by this incident.

The Vatican states that the fleet was on a routine patrol which brought them close to Istvan airspace and refutes all allegations from Istvan officials that it was an invasion fleet. "It is a routine exercise that has been planned for months," Cardinal Francesco insisted.

In a separate incident, the eastern ward of Istvan was incinerated by a mysterious flash of the same nature as the one that vaporized the Vatican fleet. Initial estimates placed the death toll at several hundred. Istvan authorities have ordered a media gag until the casualties and damage caused have been tallied. Rumors on the ground claimed it was an attack by a fleet of warships, which the VBI strongly denies.

"We never even got to fire a single shot!" The spokesman, Brother Petros claimed. "By all that is holy, we did not blast away a neighbourhood." He goes on to insist it is the work of the Empire and their vile, forbidden technologies in language we cannot publish here or risk shocking our beloved Chief Editor.

* * *

SUPERNOVA EXPLOSION

Astronomers of the University of Rome were treated to an unexpected surprise when they witnessed a supernova explosion last night during a routine survey of the night sky. The explosion was the burst of energy released by a dying star as it implodes. The night sky above Europe was lit up for several moments by the blast. The blast was extremely bright, much brighter than previously witnessed supernovas, claimed Professor Wallace Woodworth. "Truly, this is the work of God's hand."

The professor of science and technologies refuted speculations that the supernova was linked to the mystery meteor strike that vaporized a Vatican battle fleet and possibly incinerated a neighbourhood in the city of Istvan. "It's all coincidence. A star died, a fleet got blasted and a city burned… let us pray for God's mercy…"

* * *

_Fire Guts __Church__ of __St Matthias_

The Church of St Matthias in Istvan was gutted by a freak fire late last night. The historical building renowned for its architectural value was burned to cinders. According to rumours, the Vatican's representatives were victims of the fire. The Pope beseeches all believers to pray for the souls of the victims. The cause of the fire was still under investigation by Istvan authorities at press time. No official statement has been released.

* * *

_Lord Mayor of Istvan dead? _

The Marquis of Hungaria, Lord Gyula Kadar is feared dead after a mysterious man in black viciously attacked his guard battalion and broke into his mansion late last night. The assailant was said to have literally dropped from the sky then decimated the Eighth Battalion. The figures on casualties have not been tallied at press time. Lord Gyula's suspected death opens the way for Istvan parliament to proceed with the much-awaited elections for mayor.

The marquis has lived in Istvan for almost thirty years. He was well known for his undying devotion to his wife, Maria, who vanished under mysterious circumstances several years ago. Her disappearance still remains shrouded in mystery to this day. The couple are childless and a distant nephew is expected to inherit the title and estate.

* * *

Ask Leon

I have been receiving feedback from certain persons about, ahem, my qualifications to head this column in light of certain unfortunate events some time ago. I state here that I sincerely regret that little shootout with underworld drug lords back in Roselyn Pub. I am very sorry the place went up in flames, okay? In fact, I'll be spending the next 20 years in penitence. So get over it! Let's get a move on already! Young and sexy damsels in distress need Dandelion's aid!

_Dear Leon _

_I have written in previously about my problem. I have found someone, a young man, I can confide. My friend, D, is in similar circumstances as me. He supports a young girl like me striking back at those who took our loved ones away from us. He is charming, handsome and I think I may be falling for him. However, I still have a nagging feeling that what we are about to embark on can only result in more tears. What should I do? _

_-Still Troubled in Istvan _

Dear Troubled,

Come on! You can't be seriously falling for some stripling! You should go for more matured men, like me. – Leon (gets knocked aside by Sister N)

I apologize on behalf of my thoughtless colleague. May I suggest that if you feel in your heart your plans are not right, perhaps it is time to reconsider them? Revenge does not solve anything. – Sister N

_Dear Leon _

_I used to work for a certain nobleman in Istvan. However, last night, some intruder shot my buddies to pieces, broke in and possibly killed my master. Somehow, I survived being machine-gunned at by that maniac through some miracle from God. Since I am currently outta of a job and broke, can you suggest where a bodyguard might be required? _

_- Last Man Standing _

Dear Last Man

I apologize for any trouble caused. My 'Genocide' setting must be faulty. Please forward an address so I may rectify that problem.

– HC-IIX

* * *

Advertisement

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* * *

Personals:

Teen from well-off background needs afternoon companion. Must be cheerful, encouraging and not scary like my older siblings. Please, I need someone I can talk to without risking starting a world war! Please leave a note at the rose bower pavilion on the east side of the Vatican gardens.

_Seeking Employment: _

_Travelling priest seeking part-time employment to meet living expenses. Willing to take on hazardous or downright silly jobs, so long as they do not interfere or go contrary to my day job. Please leave a message for Abel with __Vatican_ _P O Box__ 13_

_P.S. I do not do lab rat, Prof. Quit offering me cash to test drive your contraption... Er, maybe if you increase the rates by 25 dinars?_

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

The site is a little problematic recently. So hopefully, it gets uploaded properly. This issue should cover all bases on the Star of Sorrow arc. Thank you for the reviews.


	4. Issue 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters

Yeah! Uploader fixed! (Does jig of joy).

I've incoporated some suggestions from my reviewers in this issue.

* * *

_The Trinity Times_

_Issue 4_

MYSTERY SOUND IN ROME

Secret Weapon Test?

Empire Terrorists?

Yesterday morning, the peace of the holy city of Rome was shattered by a mysterious sound blast that disrupted electrical systems throughout the city. The blast lasted a few minutes but electrical systems took an hour to be resumed throughout the city. The sound was described by University of Rome professor as a harmless; low frequency sound blast also resulted in numerous health complaints from the citizens ranging from ringing in the ears to rattled nerves. The source of the sound was said to be from the restricted Vatican Offices. However, officials claim they too were clueless as to the origins of the sound.

A similar disruption was encountered a few months ago. The cause has yet to be determined. Rumours claim that the mystery blasts are secret weapon tests by the Inquisition. However, the relevant authorities vehemently denied this and pointed the finger at Empire-led terrorists.

* * *

NO HANKY PANKY!

New Vatican Times to Apologize for Slander

Dear all faithful, please do not be deceived by that New Vatican Times rag of unknown origin! There was no hanky panky involving our beloved pope and young nuns in remote pavilions of the Vatican Gardens. We ensure you that all photos published in the tabloid are CG-altered to show His Holiness in an unfavourable light. The Vatican officials have demanded that the tabloid apologize for this slander. Cardinal Francesco has personally taken charge of this and swears to using all in his power to stop any further slander of the Vatican's good name.

In an unrelated incident, Inquisition guards under the supervision of "Knight of Destruction" Brother Petros caught unauthorised persons later identified as reporters of the New Vatican Times loitering near the Lady's Chapel where his Holiness Pope Alessandro was scheduled to bless pilgrims late yesterday evening. The Inquisition has detained the reporters for questioning and apologizes to any pilgrim distressed or wounded as a result of witnessing the arrest.

_Advertisement: Contract open for major repairs to Lady's Chapel, East Vatican City after a particularly violent arrest by a man of God. _

* * *

Ask Leon

Dear all, I wish to introduce a new member of our team as our brother HC IIX has suffered a minor short circuit as a result of someonetrying to knock cable TV off my set. Don't fret as he will be back from the mechanic's soon. The bill's yours, Prof! Pray for him if you will. Let me introduce Father A. He's six feet twelve and has loads of experience as a travelling priest as he's an old guy, older than me… _(gets elbowed by Sister N)_

_Dear Leon_

_I was raised in a very strict household and for more than ten years, I'm been trying very hard to get along. About 5 years ago, I was put in a position of power and great responsibility. I know I have my older brother and sister to thank for their ceaseless help and advice. However, recently, I am under a great lot of stress. My position is such that every single word or move I make can result in war, or at least a war of words between my siblings. I have been trying to give it my best. Yesterday, I couldn't take it so I skipped my work. My sister and brother got mad at me. Now I'm vetting some 1000 documents from my office as ordered by my brother and God, . I think he hates me. Help. I think I'm gonna run off and cry for a while. _

_- Overworked Alexi_

Dear Alexi

Gee, you really could use a break from your job. How about you bust out from your home, I bust out from my cell and we go on the Grand Tour of Europe. I can take you down to the old Moulin Rouge and show you how to really have fun. And don't care two hoots what your stuffy old siblings say! You really need some time out. - Leon

Er, I'm sure my colleague's kidding you. I believe our siblings genuinely care for you. Why else would they yell at you and get angry? Perhaps you could talk to them about how you feel. Running away doesn't solve anything. – Father A

_Dear Leon, Sister N,_

_I have written to you previously and thank you for your advice. After undergoing some traumatic incidents, I am now in Rome under the guidance of a nice travelling priest and I am slated to start my training in a certain Vatican office. My colleagues are nice and all, but I find myself attracted to a certain tall, white-haired, bespectacled priest! Help! My last romance soured when my then boyfriend turned out to be using me all along. I don't think I am ready for another romance so soon! I know I shouldn't but my heart simply goes fluttering whenever I think of his smile. _

_- Now Troubled in Rome _

_Leon:_ Abel! What are you doing seducing all the hot chicks! (Grabs Father A by the lapels and shakes him)

Dear Troubled

This may be just a passing phase. I think we should talk this over a cup of herb tea, don't you? If you are willing, you can contact me at the AX Offices. – Sister N (yanks Leon off Abel)

_Dear Leon_

_Help. I need cash. I'm broke and in debt. Would you believe the last decent meal I had was yesterday? How can I convince my superior that I deserve a pay rise? _

_- 4 Dina Abel_

Dear Abel

You clearly need a lesson in financial management. I am willing to give you one. Quit pinching my sugar packets please. –Sister N

* * *

_Reply to Ad_

Dear comrades, I am doing fine and will drop by the office for further instructions if any before swinging over to visit my hometown in Amsterdam for the Tulip Gardener Convention. –God's peace be with you, Hugue

* * *

_Advertisement _

_Irritated by the inventor-next-door working at odd hours? Sick of being startled out of dreamland by bangs, whistles and other loud sounds at ungodly hours? Buy yourself a pair of Prof William's earplugs and a good night's sleep is guaranteed. Only 4 dinas a pair! Please send your cheques to Prof William W. at the University of Rome and a pair will be mailed to you in 48 hours.

* * *

__Apology Note:_

Dear Katie, Sorry about yesterday.

- Will (P.S.Were those lacy Vicky's Secrets under your habit a Christmas gift from Leon? Us guys got G-strings from him last Christmas.)

_Reply: Too much said, Prof! (Gets whacked by the guys)

* * *

_

Personal:

Dear Miss Esther, thank you for that lovely afternoon in the garden. I wish to return you your hanky but I am unable to locate you. It has been washed and ironed and is ready for you to pick up at the Vatican Pope's Office if you wish. I apologize that due to my commitments, I am unable to return it personally.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

Things are getting slightly naughty here. Abel's joined the Ask Leon team. And Woodsworth's offering a solution to the noise problem. Leon's abetting a runaway and poor Tres is out of action thanks to the Prof. He'll be back...


	5. Issue 5

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters

Yes, finally, the Amsterdam episode. Plus a little side act when someone takes Leon's advice.

* * *

_The Trinity Times_

_Issue 5_

AMSTERDAM MASSACRE

Work of Fanatics?

Citizens of Amsterdam were shocked to discover their local Methuselah population murdered in their exclusive Tulip Theatre Club. The theatre was described as a utter bloodbath by the police officers who were the first on the scene after an anonymous tip-off. "Blood and dismembered bodies were everywhere, the horror…" a visibly shaken police chief, Rip van Wink stated before running off to throw up in the tulips.

The Methuselah nobles were known to spend their evenings, and nights enjoying entertainment in their exclusive club. Terrans could only be admitted on a special invitation granted only by the highest ranking members of the club.

The dead included Count Carel van der Werf, Lord Mayor of Amsterdam and a member of the Four Counts oligarchy controlling the Amsterdam and her sister cities in Lower Countries. The remaining counts have released a statement that they would be electing a new mayor for Amsterdam shortly. Until then, Lord Memling of Antwerp will be standing in as the mayor of Amsterdam.

Rumours have blamed religious fanatics for the deaths, said to be an act of revenge after the deaths of several clergy members of the Church of St Hans. The attack on the church left at least six dead. The bodies were drained of blood. The late Lord Carel had earlier issued a gag order on the church murders to prevent unrest between the Methuselah and Terran races.

In a strange twist, Lord Pieter van der Werf, brother of Lord Carel, was murdered by an unknown assailant during one of his favourite midnight outings a few days prior to the Tulip Theatre massacre. Authorities are still investigating the murder of Lord Pieter.

* * *

PIRACY OFF ALBION

Security issues in the Albion island fiefs

Maritime officials have reported a spike in the incidence of pirate attacks off the western coast of Albion. The region is exceptionally difficult for Albion navy ships to patrol due to the autonomous rights held by the ancestral island fiefs. The pirates are believed to be well-organized criminals with a hideout in the vicinity of the attacks. Lack of proper security on the island fiefs have been a concern for the Albion authorities for many years.

The list of ships attacked include container ships, bulk cargo carriers, tankers and in the most recent attack, a ship carrying a shipment of children's toys. The government of Albion has sent out a notice to all fief holders for a meeting next week in Albion's capital of Londonium to discuss cooperative counter measures to combat this increasing menace.

* * *

_High Drama in St Peter's Square_

_Pope Trapped on Window Ledge_

Yesterday morning found St Peter's Square in a tizzy as our beloved Pope was left stranded on his fourth-floor window ledge in what appears to be a freak accident. His Holiness (bless his sainted heart) had been trying to attend to a wounded bird outside his window when the windows slammed shut behind him. A pile of knotted and shredded sheets, most likely bandages for the injured bird, was found below the window. It was later determined that the bird was not seriously wounded and had flown off on its own.

The windows were jammed shut and the Vatican fire brigade had to be called in with a ladder to save his Holiness. After a fifteen minute rescue, the pope was hustled back indoors by his concerned cardinals. The Duke of Medici has declined to comment on what may have triggered this sudden but foolish act of compassion from His Holiness.

We of the Vatican Welfare Office wish to start that our Holiness was not subject to undue stresses for his tender age and that unfortunate incident was only a freak accident. Please ignore those baseless allegations that his Holiness was under the influence. We state that Pope Alessandro has no vices whatsoever. He is a well brought up young man with no past history of substance abuse.

* * *

Ask Leon

Dear readers, Leon has to report why my sensitive inner components were found in his TV set. Till he comes up with a satisfactory report, I have classified him as 'enemy'. – HC IIX (loads gun)

Aw, give me a break! They were showing the World Cup Live finals between France and Italy. Quit poking that gun in my face! – Leon

Guys, break it up! – Sister N

_Dear Leon_

_I met this cool guy who saved me from a vampire, then I helped him escape from a wolf and get seriously injured in the process. When I wake up, I find he's gone and all I have left of him is his gold cross. I know I shouldn't be feeling this way about him. He kept very much to himself, hardly talked to me at all… but when I close my eyes, I see his gorgeous blond hair, muscular body…and those eyes (blushes). Help! I can't control my feelings! _

_- Lonesome in Amsterdam_

Dear Lonesome

Please forward me a recent photo of yourself and an address. Dandelion will ensure you are lonesome no more – Leon (gets kicked in the shin by Sister N)

Negative, Dandelion will not be going anywhere until the report is given. – HC-IIX

My advice to you: treasure the memory. He may have very reasons for having to leave you, like getting excommunicated by the Vatican for improper behaviour. I am sure the cross he left for you means a lot for him. Your infatuation with him will fade slowly, though I know it may be hard at first. God bless you – Father A

_Dear Leon_

_I am a man of few words. I have a major grudge against vampires and my idea of a good time is sending them to hell. However, my current employer is keeping me in check and I am thus unable to indulge my vengeance… I need some thing to take my mind off those vampires overrunning my beloved homeland!_

_- Silent Vengeance_

Dear Silent

May I recommend crossword puzzles? Now, what sucks human blood and starts with the letters 'V-A-M-'… Er, maybe Sudoku will be a better way to occupy your mind - Father A

_Dear Leon_

_This is a very rough week for me. My operative is misbehaving in Amsterdam, my big bro trying to pack me off to some really remote convent, little bro got himself stuck on the window ledge and my hair's getting split-ends. To cap it off, a certain agony columnist under my supervision has been doling out really bad advice. Any suggestions as to how I should reprimand him?_

_- Duchess of M. _

Erm, a vacation sounds good, maybe to Hawaii…and throw in a two month bonus – Leon

Sister N: I sense serious hostility here. (Aside) Leon, I'll hate to be in your shoes.

HC-IIX here. Received a late update from the Vice-editor. Until further notice, Leon will be suspended from this column until he is done with his penance for a certain piece of rotten advice doing 30 hours of community work at the St Stephen's Children's Home aka Home for Tiny Terrors. In the meanwhile, please continue writing in to 'Ask Father A'.

* * *

_Obituary to Pieter van der Werf_

_Dear Brother, although you are no longer with us I hope you enjoyed the special entertainment item I have set up in your honour in our club house. And I'm saying this to the Vatican: You will pay for what your travelling priest did! – Lord Carel

* * *

_

Personals:

Dear Duchess Katrina, please hear us out and quit setting your dogs on my messengers. I am sure that we can reach a win-win situation that will benefit both our peoples. Why don't we get together sometime and trim that blasted German rose bush down to size. – Lady Em Pire

* * *

_Dear Sister Agnes. Sorry for leaving without saying farewell. I pray for your speedy recovery and continuing health and happiness. I hope that someday, I will be able to return to that lovely garden of tulips you keep without feeling the pain of those I have lost. – A travelling priest from Amsterdam

* * *

_

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* * *

**Author's Notes:**

Oh no! Leon's advice has got him in trouble. I'm playing up the Amsterdam incident. I don't know what sad past Hugue has, but I guess the flowers bring back memories for him, as does Sister Agnes. That's why he left without a word. Hugue writes in as well. BTW, Sudoku is a number puzzle.

I can't believe it! World Cup 2006 won by Italy. Gah! What happened, Zidane?


	6. Issue 6

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters

Neverland. I had to re-read Peter Pan to see what the gags I can draw out from lampooning the original story of Wendy and Peter Pan. Pirates and children are not off limits for this issue.

Child welfare finally get round to that dubious orphanage...

* * *

_The Trinity Times_

_Issue 6_

NEVERLAND ISLAND RAIDED

Albion Authorities Clamp Down on Suspected Paedophile

Albion child welfare officers have undertaken the first and largest raid on the island fief of a long-suspected paedophile James Barrie after Albion parliament passed the latest bill bringing the ancestral island fiefs under Albion law. Barrie once served as dean of the Science Department of the prestigious University of Londonium and was recognized for his contributions in the field of sound and genetic technology. However, he was discharged from the university after allegations of child molestation. The charges were later dropped due in insufficient evidence.

Barrie then retired to his ancestral home on his island fief and opened an orphanage. Child welfare authorities have long feared for the safety of children in his care and their worst fears were realized in the raid with the discovery of numerous children's remains in an underground cavern on the island. The bodies discovered are still being tallied at press time. Officers have made the startling discovery of a torture chamber where it was believed the orphans were subjected to unspeakable abuse.

Seasoned child welfare officers were shocked by the findings. "We have long-suspected that Barrie was using his orphanage as a cover for his paedophile activities, but nothing could describe the horror these poor children must have suffered," Nanna Darling, chairwoman of the Albion Association for Protection of Children is quoted. "If I ever get my hands on that monster, I kill him, so help me, God." Barrie has since fled the country and the authorities have issued a warrant for his arrest.

* * *

Shipper's Union Demand Answers for Piracy Mystery

The spate of pirate attack on Albion sea shipping may have ceased but shippers are left bewildered and fuming by allegations that it was all a ploy to get insurance. Leading industry player Long J Silver Shipping Insurance has hotly contested the claims for damages arising from pirate attacks carried out by fairies. Other players are expected to follow their lead.

Alleged pirate attack victim Captain Horatio Hornblower speaks: "These allegations are not only preposterous, they are an insult to all shippers who were victims of piracy in Albion. I was in no way drunk on the night of the attack and I swear upon the name of my illustrious ancestor Admiral Nelson that we were attacked by fairy-like creatures!"

* * *

Ask Leon

Dear readers, Leon and Father A have urgent matters to attend to this week so I, Sister N, and HC-IIX will be answering your letters.

_Dear Leon_

_I think I am being sexually harassed by a colleague (Let's just call her NB). Every time she goes by my sentry post, she swings her hips so… and she smiles so… and I know it is wrong for me to think of her that way as she's a nun. But she has the sexiest body I have seen in a habit! Help! I am having some very naughty thoughts. Do you think she's provoking me on purpose?_

_- 3 o'clock Guard_

Dear Guard

Definitely not. But your point is noted. However, you may be reading too much into gifts God granted Miss NB. She will refrain from swishing her hips too much in the future. Would you like her to bring you strawberry cheesecake as an apology?

- Sister N

_Dear Leon_

_My partner has rented a cheap light aircraft at a ridiculously low price of 4 dinas. He wants to take me on a getaway to an island off the coast of Albion. Should I go with him or check the transportation first?_

_- Skittish Flyer_

Dear Skittish

Here is a simple checklist: One, get a certified mechanic to check the condition of the plane's engine. If smoke billows out of the engine, you should reconsider renting this plane. Two, check for working hydraulics. If hydraulics fail, consider another craft. Third, check landing gear. If landing gear is not working, get another aircraft. If you are unable to get hold of an aircraft at short notice, get a working parachute for yourself and your partner (if you still wish to).

- HC-IIX

_Dear Leon_

_I am a scientist who has been running foul of the law simply due to my passion for advancing mankind in the field of science. However, my country has issued a warrant for my arrest on the flimsy ground of crimes against humanity! To advance science, sacrifices must be made. So what if a few dozen brats died in my experiments? I got the results but no way to release them to the press!_

_- Dr Barrie_

Dear Doctor

You sound more psychotic than that white-haired doctor from my favourite anime Yami no Matsuei. I have seen your photo as enclosed with your letter and unfortunately, you are not even a quarter as good-looking. I have decided that you need serious counselling for your lack of empathy with your victims and have sent your return address to the relevant authorities for their action.

- Sister N

Since I hate cases involving kids, I will trot over to Madrid, cure your problems permanently and get back to Rome in time for Vespers Mass. See ya later Sister N! – HC-IIX (loads guns)

Leon! Have you been tinkering with Tres' components again? He's starting to sound like you (shudder) – Sister N

* * *

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* * *

_Thank You Note:_

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* * *

_

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* * *

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* * *

**Author's Notes:**

Disclaimer: None of the numbers quoted are related to the services advertised.

I don't know how many of you read or watch Yami no Matsuei. But as far as charming psycho physicians go, Dr Muraki is hot (although I wouldn't want to be his patient). Anyone read Hornblower? Admiral Nelson was a British war hero who lived and fought in naval battles in the Napoleonic wars. His last and greatest victory was at Trafalgar.


	7. Issue 7

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters

_The Trinity Times_

_Issue 7_

EARTH TREMOR DEVASTATES BARCELONA

Thousands Killed, Death Toll Expect to Rise

The Spanish city of Barcelona was devastated by a massive earthquake late last night, reducing it to rubble. Rescuers fear the worst as thousands of bodies have been recovered from the ruins with thousands more still buried in the rubble of what was touted as the city of sun and romance. Authorities refused to even attempt an estimate of the death toll or the damages caused by this disaster. An irreplaceable loss to the world is the destruction of many buildings of pre-Armageddon architecture. Only the Sagrada Familia cathedral was spared.

"It was awful. One minute I was on the hillside admiring my city, the next it was dust!" a fortunate survivor exclaimed. "I was taking pictures of the nightscape for my work…there wasn't that much of shaking… everything sorta crumbled…." Seismologists are baffled by the extent of damage which far exceeds that caused by any previously recorded quake in the region. "It's like the Armageddon all over again. This quake is way off the Richter scale. No amount of preparation could have prepared the citizens of Barcelona for this," the chairman of the International Seismologists Association was quoted. "Our research into earthquake prediction has been thrown back a thousand years by this astounding development."

The Vatican has sent a medical team to the city within hours of receiving word of the disaster. In Rome, His Holiness will be leading a special memorial mass for the victims of the Barcelona quake. Pope Alessandro beseeches all to contribute generously towards sending much needed supplies and medical aid to the victims. His Holiness prays that we will unite together in our faith in this tiring time. Please direct all donations and pledges to the Red Cross.

WARNING SIGNS IGNORED?

Survivors of the quake were furious to learn that the collapse of Barcelona Gothic Cathedral a few days prior to the disaster may be a pre-tremor of the killer quake. Furious citizens alleged that the death toll would have been considerably less if the authorities had looked more carefully into the earlier collapse and evacuated the city in the wake of an impending quake. No one was injured when the building, which housed an art gallery, collapsed after closing time. The 600 year old building collapsed suddenly and the cause of the collapse was put down to structural erosion of the structure due to its age. Investigations into the cathedral collapse ruled out terrorist activities. This incident has been re-opened for further investigation.

* * *

Cardinal Alfonso to Visit Vatican

After a lengthy absence from the Holy City, Cardinal Alfonso has announced his plans to visit Rome next week. This move was hailed as a step forward in the mending of the somewhat strained relationship the cardinal has with our current church leadership. The cardinal had been living in Madrid after Pope Alessandro's ascesion. Coincidentally, Cardinal Alfonso is the uncle of His Holiness, Pope Alessandro and Cardinals Catherina and Francesco.

The Pope has fervent hopes that the long-standing rift in his family will be mended with God's blessings in this visit. Cardinal Francesco warmly welcomes his long estranged uncle and has planned a special welcome for him. The Duchess of Milan, Cardinal Catherina has declined to speak to the press.

* * *

_Pharmaceutical Stocks Fall_

After Dominic Pharmaceuticals reported massive losses from the Barcelona killer quake, global pharmaceutical stocks have plunged. This is not the first time Dominic Pharmaceuticals have made the headlines. Earlier, Dominic's board of directors shocked the world by splurging several million on the purchase of the Sagrada Familia Cathedral for development. However, no concrete plans have been made for its development. With the losses from the quake rising, the directors have announced that Dominic may be facing bankruptcy and ruin as the main plants and research labs of the company have been destroyed in the quake.

* * *

Ask Leon

Er, since Leon, Sister N, Father Abel and all the others have been roped in to help with assorted matters arising from Cardinal Alfonso's visit, I, Professor WWW, and my lovely assistant, Miss Blanche, will be answering your letters in this issue.

_Dear Leon,_

_I am traveling in a romantic city with a guy I have crush on. It just the 2 of us, I have been trying to tell him, you know… We went for the lovers' dinner by the pier, then a sunset stroll by the sea…dropping hints… BUT HE STILL DOES NOT GET IT! HELP! _

_- Lady Lovelorn_

Dear Lady Lovelorn,

I fully empathize with you. Sometimes you just feel you cannot tell him what you feel or spoil things as they stand. Perhaps my more experienced colleague can offer a hint on your problem – Blanche

This is simplicity itself! Tell your man using my latest invention "Saying I Love You" gadget. He has to be deaf and blind not to realize your feelings after you tell him using this thingy! Blow him off his feet with the full blast of your affections. Send me your address and a crossed check for fifty dinas and this little baby's yours. – Professor WWW

(Blanche faints)

_Dear Senor Leon_

_I live next to a creepy abandoned gothic cathedral and my neighbours are driving me crazy with weird organ music, creepy shadows and those gargoyles. The sleepless nights are messing with my beauty regime! One neighbour's old and ugly but the other guy is a gorgeous-looking prince-type hottie. How can I discreetly ask them to cut back on their late night organ recitals without putting off the handsome prince guy? I have other plans for him, know what I mean? _

_P.S. While we are at it, is there some thing we can use on those irritating shadow gargoyles? Is it kosher for a girl to make the first move on a guy on a romantic full moon night like this? _

_- Upset Senorita _

Dear Senorita

I recommend my WWW heavy-duty ear plugs for that organ music and a Wordsworth Superlight to drive those nasty shadows away. A peaceful night's sleep is a guarantee. You should also get my special guide, Wordsworth's Step-by-step Guide to Love, for your plans regarding the object of your affection.

- Professor WWW

_Dear Leon_

_I have a relative coming to visit after a long absence. I fear it will be the start of a war over the dinner table since my sister does not seem very keen on this said relative's visiting us? Help, I don't want to witness a family feud blow-up at the dinner table again! I'm still traumatized from last night's squabble between my sister and my brother. They always start talking, then yelling, then storming off… _

_- Little Alexi_

Dear Alexi

The logical conclusion to your problem is that you and your family should never sit down to break bread together, at least until they learn to keep dinner talk to talk and not yelling. – Yours in prayer, Blanche

_Dear Leon_

_My Albion colleague is acting up recently. My sources informed me he made a fool of himself during his lecture on Albion church history at the University of Rome by getting the Protestant and Catholic denominations messed up. Then he put salt in his tea. Now he sends me a pair of bloomers! Has he gone senile! _

_- Katie_

Dear Katie-girl

You are being oversensitive. I think you have been hanging about your radar screens too much. The lecture boo-boo was an honest mistake anyone could have made… Let's say I was a little distracted because of the cardinal's coming visit. Oh, and those bloomers are my newest "Sit-Easy" bloomers for women. Since, Blanche refuses to test them out, I hope you will kindly try them and see if they improve your sitting posture.

- Your friend, Willie

* * *

_EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITY_

_Spanish Government seeking contractors, architects, artisans and engineers to re-build gothic cathedral in Barcelona. English or Spanish-speakers preferred. Prior experience in restoration works of classical architecture an advantage. _

_Interested persons please contact your nearest embassy of Spain.

* * *

_

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Dear Sword dancer, Appreciate it if you can nip over to Barcelona and check things out on the ground. Do keep an eye out for Noelle and Abel.


	8. Issue 8

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters

_The Trinity Times_

_Issue 8_

Important Announcement

Cardinal Catherina Sofraz will be suspended from her duties as editor and will be unlikely to return to her post or duties. She will be leaving for a convent to do penance for disgraceful behaviour towards a guest of the Vatican. At the same time, I invite all upright men and women of God to apply for journalistic jobs with our paper due to an impending mass lay-off of certain staff under the Duchess of Milan

_- Vice-editor Cardinal Francesco di Medici

* * *

_

EMBARASSMENT FOR VATICAN

_Duchess of Milan Creates Disturbance at Mass _

Vatican officials were left red-faced and outraged by the actions of the Duchess Catherina Sofraz during the purification ceremony of the obelisk bell tower presented to His Holiness the pope by Cardinal Alfonso as a peace offering. The obelisk is about sixty feet tall and will stand in St Peter's Square. It was transported in stages over the last three weeks before the final assembly on the square. The bell itself arrived just yesterday morning before being hoisted and installed in the completed obelisk. The Pope prays that this visit with his estranged uncle, Cardinal Alfonso will put to rest rumours of ill will between them.

The incident happened at about seven yesterday evening. The duchess had stormed into the ceremonial hall with her entourage and alleged that the bell to be purified and rung may be a trap by terrorists. She insisted that ringing the bell will cause the devastation of Rome. A tense confrontation occurred between the Inquisition guards and Milan's entourage before Cardinal Alfonso defused the situation by proving the bell was harmless. Milan and her entourage were escorted from the hall and the mass continued without incident.

Prior to her outburst at Mass, the duchess had ordered her subordinates to inspect all bells in the city of Rome. No definite reason was given as why the inspections are carried out or what they were looking for. Her brother, Duke Medici has expressed his regret that his sister had been acting increasingly eccentric and asks forgiveness from the Vatican College of Cardinals. Speculations are rife with regards to the state of her mental health. The College has requested that Milan be under house arrest until further investigations.

* * *

_Sacred Relic found in Roman Vault?_

The recent spring cleaning in preparation for Cardinal Alfonso's visit has yielded an unexpected surprise when some lay brothers discovered a casket in a vault in the Lady Chapel of St Anthony's Church. Based on the engravings on the casket, it is believed to hold the remains of St Mark. The patron saint of Venice, St Mark's remains were believed to have been lost during the Armageddon. The city of Venice has requested the return of their relic for verification in Venice. An expert will be examining the relic to confirm their authenticity.

* * *

Ask Leon

Dear readers,

As all members of your regular advice column are currently under investigation on charges of misconduct, I, Knight D, will be advising you on your problems. For more delicate feminine matters, my second in command, Lady D, will be assisting you.

_Dear Leon_

_I am in conflict on hearing that my new partner is a Methuselah. I am not against Methuselahs or anything, but the idea that the person who will be watching my back during work probably thinks of me as a walking quick-bite is unsettling. I have tried asking my boss for a transfer but he has refused. Help. _

_- Conflicted Cop_

Dear Conflicted

Place your trust in the Lord. Vampires have no place on this Earth! They are an abomination and should not be allowed to exist. You have a God-given duty to destroy this vermin, starting with your partner. I suggest a little sunshine, holy water or a simple stake through the heart.

- Knight D

_Dear Leon_

_A friend of mine has gone missing in the recent Barcelona quake. There has been no news from her since and I know that the chance of her being still alive is nil. Somehow I feel responsible for her death. Why had I not stayed with her that night? I blame myself. She was so alive and a good woman… I wonder why this has to happen to her._

_- Depressed Chap_

Dear Depressed

Console yourself that your friend will be received by God into his kingdom. It was God's will that she was to be called home the day and way she did. I have faith that God will provide you with the strength to live the path he has chosen for you. Place your faith in the power of the Almighty.

- Knight D

_Dear Knight D_

_I'll be back to claim my place as advice columnist! So don't you go changing the name! _

_- Leon _

Dear Leon

You are sadly deluded. I recommend a long stay in that institute you were I for that incident you were booked for a few years back. However, I am more than willing to hand over this column as I have no patience with wimpy letters from lovesick females and weaklings.

- Knight D

* * *

Obituary 

Sister Noelle Bor, aged 28, called home during the great Barcelona quake. A simple memorial service will be held in the St Meg's Chapel where she served her first days in the Holy city. We miss you and pray that the good God's light may shine upon you, rest in peace, Sister Noelle. – Your colleagues at AX

* * *

_Personal:_

_Dear Inquisition chaps on my tail, please quit shadowing me. You have been trailing me since I crossed the Spanish border. It is starting to get on my nerves and I hate being shadowed. This is your final warning before I take defensive action which you will definitely dislike. – Hugue de Watteau.

* * *

_

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	9. Issue 9

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

I have not watched the entire anime yet. It's taking so long for them to release the second part here on VCD. Pouts. What happened to Abel after that showdown by the sea? Will Ion and Raden escape capture? The suspense!

* * *

_The Trinity Times_

_Issue 9_

Notice from the Vice-Editor

Dear readers,

I apologize on behalf of the newspaper for the delay in the latest publication due to damage to our offices. We will be resuming our regular publication of _The Trinity Times _with this issue. In addition, I wish to clarify that I, Catherina, will not be leaving for any isolated convent. Neither will my staff be fired. Instead, we will continue to work towards the welfare of the faithful and discharge or duties to the maintenance of God's peace. I intend to go on a diplomatic tour of the Eastern and Central European countries, despite what my fellow editor says. I ask all readers to pray that this outreach by the Vatican will be fruitful.

- Catherina, Duchess of Milan

* * *

_ROME RECOVERING FROM MASSIVE QUAKE_

_Buildings Damaged _

The Holy City was shaken by a massive quake a month ago but is well on the road to recovery. The quake, which could not be measured due to massive damages to the University of Rome's seismology department, caused billions of dinas of damage to the city and a total death toll of about 650. Though short in duration, it is estimated to be a 7 or higher on the Richter scale. The Rome quake struck within a week of the Barcelona quake, leading to fears that the planet may be facing a period of increased deadly seismic activity. Researchers at the University of Rome are currently investigating this quake as well as that in Barcelona.

Many of the damaged buildings are undergoing reconstruction. However, some of damaged architecture and sculpture is believed to be irreplaceable. Several historical churches and buildings have been demolished due to structural damages. One casualty is the newly erected obelisk from Cardinal Alfonso to his Holiness. The bell tower standing in St Peter's Square was found to be structurally unstable. I in addition, its design clashed with the surrounding buildings. This led to the final decision for its demolition. His Holiness expresses his grief and regret that the monument commemorating the mending of relations between the Vatican and Cardinal Alfonso of Madrid could not be salvaged. Despite allegations to the contrary, Cardinal Alfonso is well and in the dedicated care of his nephew, the Duke Medici. The cardinal is currently housed in the duke's country manor on the island of Sicily and looks set to remain there for the indefinite future.

The Basilica of St Peter was severely damaged by what is believed to be a flash fire generated by ruptured gas deposits under the building. A heavy smell of brimstone was noted by rescuers when they entered the building. The centuries-old frescos the Basilica is famous for were melted and irreparable, a tragic loss to the world of Christian art indeed. Miraculously, the two occupants in the Basilica when the quake struck were found alive. They have been identified as a priest and a cardinal. The cardinal was said to be in a state of profound hysterics triggered by shock. The priest was found unconscious with severe burns to his body. Both have since recovered from their injuries and are back at their posts. Indeed God must have intervened to preserve the lives of his servants.

* * *

_Memorial Mass for Quake Victims_

His Holiness has announced that a memorial mass will be held for the victims of the Rome quake in the Square of St Peter at seven this evening, a month to the day of the quake. The Pope's Office has confirmed rumours that His Holiness had suffered a slight injury to his shoulder and a sprained ankle which resulted in his hospitalization and absence from the public eye in the weeks after the quake. Pope Alessandro was having dinner with his brother when the quake struck. In their haste to evacuate to safety, the Pope slipped on the stairs. His Holiness assures all that his injuries have healed through God's grace and we can look forward to his first public appearance since the quake. He also thanks all for their prayers and good wishes for his recovery.

* * *

Giant Squid Creature an Omen of Doom?

Or Mass Hallucination

Eyewitnesses have come forward claiming that they have seen a giant luminous squid-like creature above St Peter's Square. In addition, gunfire was heard during the course of this apparition. Below are a few eyewitness testimonies.

"_I saw it. Blue and glowing like a huge balloon. Try to convince me that was my imagination, but I am sure I saw it when I was taking my meds by the window of my ward at St Cecilia's Hospital." _

_Sister Clare, aged 80_

"It was like something from the Apocalypse, a demon of the fiery pit or an omen that Man has sinned against Le Bon Signor. This quake was a warning to us all."

Friar Richard Bacon, a 'guest' of the Inquisition who escaped from his cell during the quake.

"_I was dining with my brother when I heard gunfire, looked out my window and saw that monster. I was so shocked I tripped fleeing down the stairs and hurt my shoulder. Thank God my brother was unhurt in the quake." _

_Anonymous teenage boy whose house overlooks the Square. _

Authorities insist that this was a mass hallucination the witnesses experienced induced by the shock of the quake. There was no sign that the monster was ever in the square or that a gunfight took place. In addition, allegations of a second Apocalypse are considered a heresy. The Inquisition will be obliged to offer you a nice cell in their hostel and subject you to the full rigours of their hospitality, should you be found preaching or propagating this blasphemy.

* * *

_Wanted by the Vatican Bureau of Inquisition_

_Issued by Brother Petros _

_The following persons are wanted for heresy and blasphemy and other offences against the Church. Please kindly contact your nearest Inquisition office or Vatican authority should these persons be spotted. _

_Friar Richard Bacon – wanted for dabbling in forbidden technologies and arts, escaped during the quake from his cell. _

_Lady Marianne Tonedeaf – wanted for badly mangling hymns during Mass, believed to have escaped during the quake from her cell. _

_Leon "Dandelion" – failure to report to his parole officer for a prior offences involving vandalism of Inquisition barracks and assorted juvenile pranks _

_Hugue de Watteau – wanted for suspicion of involvement in an attack on 3 Inquisition officers on the outskirts of Rome.

* * *

_

Relic Verified to be the Blessed Bones of St Mark

It is a joyous day for the citizens of Venice as the relics discovered a month ago in the cellar has been confirmed by an expert as the remains of St Mark. The expert has requested to remain anonymous to protect his family's privacy. We can only report that he is renowned theologian and antique connoisseur of Venitian origins. The relic has been transported to the city and will be interred in a place of honour in the city's Cathedral of St Mark during a Mass presided over by His Holiness on the Feast Day of St Mark during the Carnival season.

* * *

_Personal Notice of Apology_

Dear sister, I apologize for my behaviour towards you in hour of trial and sincerely beseech your understanding for my actions in safeguarding the dignity of the Vatican. However, I must insist that you abandon your foolish diplomatic tour during this dangerous time with those vampires seeking to harm your person. – Francesco

_Reply – Accepted. However, I believe the worsening rift between the Vatican and the outlying strongholds of the faith is the more reason for my tour. Would you like some assorted souvenirs from the Middle East, like a Dead Sea scroll or a basket of Cyprian dates? Do try to take better care of our little bro. _


	10. Issue 10

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Poor Leon, no one noticed that they left out the Ask Leon Advice Column in the last issue. Not even the editors, or did they?

Anyone wants to write in to Leon for advice?

* * *

_The Trinity Times_

_Issue 10_

Vice-editor's Letter from Prague

Dear Faithful Readers,

I humbly apologize for the unbecoming behaviour displayed by our advice columnist. It has never been our intent to replace the column with the Inquisitions Most Wanted list for petty felons. As such, the Advice Column will be returned to its original team led by Leon, _for now._

- Catherina, Duchess of Milan

For my dear brother: I am currently on the central European leg of my diplomatic tour. I would like to wake up to find no Inquisition airship hovering outside my hotel window. Your concern for my safety is touching but my bodyguard is more than enough to drive off any hostile intentions.

* * *

RELICS TO BE RETURNED TO VENICE

Midnight Mass Tonight

The remains of St Mark, patron saint of Venice, will be returned to the city during a special midnight Mass to be presided over by His Sanctity, Pope Alessandro XVIII. The venue will be at the Cathedral of St Mark. Due to security concerns, attendance will be by invitation only. However, the city council has prepared a fireworks extravaganza for Venice's citizentry and her visitors in celebration of this event.

* * *

HORRIFIC MURDERS IN VENICE

Renowned expert on relics and family slain

Venetians are shocked by the discovery of the brutal murders of a local artefact appraiser, Macro Corleone, and his family in their home on Vespers Canal. The family's mutilated bodies were discovered by their housekeeper when she reported for work. This is the fourth in a spate of brutal murders in the city. Like in previous cases, the motive is believed to be burglary. However, police are at a loss to explain the senseless violence. The public has raised concerns that the murders may be a sign of increasing violent crime that has been linked to the summer carnival in recent years. The city council has has taken steps to beef up security in light of the Pope's upcoming visit.

* * *

Venetian Street Gang Trashed by Would-be Victim

A local Venetian street gang known to prey on carnival visitors was soundly trashed by a would-be victim. They have been implicated in petty thefts, harassment of young women and rioting. The gang allegedly tried to pick up a foreign young woman at a local bar. Failing to elicit the attentions desired, they then trailed the lady to a bridge where a heated confrontation ensued. The woman was seen leaving the scene with a white-haired priest. Witnesses describe the woman as in her late teens to early twenties, tall, slim, beautiful with blond hair and red highlights, and a slightly haughty air. She was last seen wearing an overcoat with a figure-hugging halter-top. Police hope that this lady will come forward to assist with investigations.

* * *

FIREWORKS EXPLOSION AT CARNIVAL

Tragedy leaves 30 dead and many injured

The reputation of Venice's Summer Carnival has taken a severe beating with a spate of recent accidents. The most tragic of which was a fireworks display gone awry at the packed Grand Canal Leonardo Bridge. The bridge has always been popular with carnival revellers for its stunning view of the famous fireworks displays on the canal. The bridge was severely damaged in the explosion and crashed into the canal below. Hospitals were overwhelmed by the onslaught of wounded, some of whom were pulled out of the canal. Estimates put the toll at 30, with most casualties drowned or crushed by falling masonry.

Wayward firework rockets have been blamed for damage to assorted buildings and bridges throughout the city last night. The city council reminds all revellers that only certified fireworks technicians with approval from the council are allowed to set up such pyrotechnic displays, even for private parties during the season. Illegal firework displays by unqualified technicians have always been a safety concern in Venice during summer. The council has proposed passing a new Bill to tighten the sale and distribution of fireworks and pyrotechnic materials. Penalties for the wilful firing of rockets will also be revised.

* * *

Ask Leon

It's good to be back! Who needs that sourpuss, stick-in-the-mud Petros and his gal anyhow? Now when you have yours truly, Leon, and his cute assistant, Miss Blanchett. Bring on the letters, Blanchie!

Blanche: Blanchie? (pops vein)

_Dear Leon_

_My employer and I are currently on a business trip round Italy. It is gruelling and hectic. However, we are used to this and it is all for a good cause. However, one thing really, REALLY fries my fuses. There is a large airship from a certain acquaintance in Rome that has been blocking her view from the window every morning. Will it be socially acceptable to blow that ship out of the sky? My circuits are itching for some nice morning sunshine. _

_- Brother Gunslinger_

Dear Brother

Go for it! If your pistols are not up to the range, I will gladly loan you a bazooka. – Leon

_Dear Leon_

_I met this really hot chick at the pub. I mean really hot. She's feisty, the way I like them. But she wouldn't even gimme the time of the day. So I go get me buddies, like so to soften her up a bit with some macho talk. But this hot babe trashes all of us, big time. Call me crazy, but I cannot get her out of my mind. How can I meet up with her again (and score this time, know what I mean?) _

–_Romeo_

Dear Romeo

The sounds like some chick. Where's this pub? We could use someone like her. – Leon

_I think your Juliet has been so totally offended by your clumsy attempt at seduction and reluctance to take no for an answer. She will probably move out of your neighbourhood if you persist. Women do have a mind of their own and you may not always like what they think of you. Since the lady has trashed you and your buds, I advise you do not aggravate her for your own health reasons. _

_- Blanche

* * *

_

Recruitment Drive for Inquisition Guardsmen

Want to serve the Almighty? Not squeamish about pitched battles with vampires? Like a honourable, disciplined career with good possibility of knighthood? Do not hesitate! Join the Vatican Inquisition Bureau today. For more details, please go to your nearest VBI branch office. The Vatican needs YOU.

* * *

Personal Ads: 

Dear Brother A, I know that child is a fair handful at times. However, she has been through a lot since _that tragic incident_. I hope you will be patient with her and provide the necessary assistance with her mission. I hope that you will find the leisure to visit me at my place some day for a cuppa tea. I will put 13 cubes of sugar in yours this time and no cream, promise. – Your loving kid sister

_Reply to Ad: Dear Sister, I didn't know you read this publication. Since you are reading this, I must inform you that currently, I have my hands full trying to keep her out of trouble. It's like she is a live fuse. Have you sent her for anger management therapy? Rest assured I will do my utmost to aid her in our common mission.

* * *

_

Issak, you better keep your side of the bargain after tonight and settle your outstanding debts at my casino. Otherwise, I will have that cute little puppeteer ward of yours strung up with a piano-wire. Oh, by the way, said puppeteer has jacked up your debts by about 10 grand at the roulette table. - Count Zagreb

* * *

Dear Uncle Issak, please advise if it is advisable to have the dealer shoot himself in the head over the roulette table. I feel a little keen on witnessing some Russian roulette. - Dieter

* * *

Dear D, I know you are reading this rag. I am not amused by your escapade at the casinos. Get over to Cartago. One of our business partners is feeling unsuitably nostalgic and needs a little pep talk from our motivator. - Issak.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

Finally got the complete box sets of the series. And I reading the Trinity Blood manga while I am at it.


	11. Issue 11

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Someone wrote in to Ask Leon. I hope you get a good reply. Wonder what happened to the relics of St Mark? As group working for peace, AX members do carry a lot of firepower. What's behind that?

I am only acquainted with the anime series and part of the manga. I received a review informing me of my misquoting of Tres' name as HC-IIX, who appears as Duo Iqus in the novel (?), I will make corrections in future issues. Maybe Duo will write in to give his kid brother an earful? Or a touchy family reunion…

* * *

_The Trinity Times_

_Issue 11_

VENICE MASS DISTURBANCE

Failed Assassination Attempt

The Pope's visit to Venice was marred by an attempt on his life and a hostage incident during the Midnight Mass to reinstate the remains of Saint Mark. Undisclosed sources claim it was a case of a single religious fanatic acting alone. Shortly after the start of the Mass, the Pope was confronted by the fanatic. It is not known how the madman bypassed the strict security checks. He was thwarted by the alert members of the Pope's personal guard. A young choir boy was taken hostage but emerged unscathed after a tense standoff. The fanatic was shot dead by an alert guard. Church officials have declined further comment on this incident. Citizens and choir boys of Venice are reminded that this is a freak happening and there is no cause for alarm.

* * *

VATICAN SPECIAL REPORT

_Gun-toting Clergy a Sign of Troubled Times Worldwide_

The Vatican's statistics for clerical gun licenses has shown a marked increase over the recent weeks, the bulk of which are for revolvers, pistols and other small handguns. This is due to a spate of violent crimes targeting church representatives worldwide. Notable examples are the slaughter in a church in Amsterdam and the brutal attack on an abbess in Istvan. Church representatives claim they have the right to be protected as they go about spreading the Good News. Below are some excerpts from interviews with random weapon-toting members of the clergy in St Peter's Square:

"I have six months of training in marksmanship and self-defence. I hope I don't have to actually use (my gun), but it is good to have it at hand." – Sister Esther (showing off her semi-auto revolver)

"As God is my Shepherd, this staff is all I need…" – an anonymous (and very handsome) travelling priest

"Affirmative. I have 4 sixteen-shot pistols at hand. They have been utilized on exactly 1,236 occasions since my commission." – Brother Tres

"As a knight of the Inquisition Bureau, I am expected to carry a weapon. Meet my lance, the Screamer." – Captain of the Inquisition

"Pistols? I am talking about my bazooka here!" – Leon, a priest

* * *

RELIC FAKES!

Certification by Albion University Leaves Venetian Church Embarrassed

The alleged bones of St Mark have been declared artful forgeries after a suspicious lay brother sought a second opinion from the University of Albion. Concerns on the authenticity of the find last month was initially raised by a lay brother and zoologist in Rome. However, the artefacts were authenticated by a renowned Venetian relic expert and the suspicions were dismissed as groundless despite the zoologist's concerns. Lay Brother Martin Lightfinger then decided to take his own initiative.

During the removal of the bones from the cellar where they were found, Brother Lightfinger took a small bone and had it sent to his sister at the University of Albion where experts in pathology have found the bones to be those of an ape. Unfortunately, the Mass to reinstate the so-called relics was over before the DNA results were released by the Albion labs. The Cathedral of St Mark officials were left red-faced when the results were disclosed by the Vatican officials after two days after the Mass. The Vatican has declined further comment on this incident. Rome has ruled that all future relics need to be verified by at least two independent sources before the church will recognize them as holy relics. The artefact appraiser who had certified the fake remains was coincidentally the victim of a brutal murder.

* * *

Ask Leon

Leon here. We have with us today Father A, who has finally deigned to honour us with his wisdom after partying out all night with a hot blonde chick at the Venice Summer Carnival. (nudge, wink)

Father A: Leon! It wasn't that way!

_Dear Leon_

_I responded to an ad for to be a groomer to a noble lady's cats. What she did not tell me is that her cats are Caspian tigers! Help! I have signed the employment contract and I am not looking forward to tendering my resignation as the lady has a fierce temper._

_- Scaredy Cat Groomer_

Dear Scaredy

A mutual dialogue with your employer will go a long way to easing your concerns. I am sure you can work out a win-win solution to your troubles, _unless the said lady is a noblewoman from Odessa_, in which case, I assure you that the tiger is the better bet.

- Yours in prayer, Father A

_Dear Leon _

I am currently leading an army on a bloody rampage but I think that one of my followers may be plotting against me but I have no solid proof, what should I do?

- General Zargon

Dear Zargon,

I hate to burst your bubble but are you sure it is only one? Normally, generals who lead their armies on bloody rampages often find a dozen or so daggers in the back, courtesy of their followers.

- Sincerely, Leon

Ano, I believe a decent dialogue with your follower may pinpoint the source of displeasure for you to rectify the situation. However, it may be advisable to conduct your dialogue from behind a sturdy piece of bullet-proof glass.

- Sincerely, Father A

_Dear HC-IIIX_

_I know you are the one using MY name for your rotten advice column. I am not amused. If your data bank has not been scrambled by AX, you will know that contrary to popular myth, I survived that little incident at the Gun Metal Hut. So, my little brother, I demand you use your real name instead of hiding behind mine. By the way, what happened to HC-IX? _

_- The Real HC-IIX_

Gah! I thought we shoved you in that furnace… er, HC-IIIX is currently away but I have notified him. He updates his database and promises not to use your name. First, he will be having a few words with his manufacturer. He invites you for a little reunion at the Gun Metal Hut after he returns from his current duties. By the way, your big brother HC-IX sends his regards recycled as our office coffee grinder.

- Sweatdroppingly yours, Father A

* * *

Recruitment 

_Ad for Choir-boys: _The Cathedral of St Mark of Venice is currently seeking choir boys. Must have a pleasant (unbroken) voice and be between the ages of 8 to 14. Auditions are to be held next Monday at 3 in the afternoon at the cathedral's East wing.

* * *

Cat Groomer Wanted 

Noble lady seeking personal groomer for her orange and black stripe cats. Must love big cats. My last groomer ran into a bad day, _my bad day_. If any party is interested, please contact me at the Grand Venus Hotel, Venice by tomorrow evening as I will be leaving for home shortly.

– Lady Arsan, Viscountess

* * *

EXCLUSIVE CLUB MEMBERSHIP: Want to improve your circumstances? Seeking a direction in your life? Want to control your fate? Want to make a difference in the world? We, the exclusive Flame society, invite a talented and dedicated individual to share our vision of a brighter tomorrow (since one of our current members is likely to have his membership terminated permanently). We do not care if you are Terran or Methuselah. We seek talent only. Interested parties may contact us at the Ibelis Inn, Cartago, or dial 1600-6666-HELL.

* * *

_Travel Ad_

_Want to savour the charms of the Arabian Nights? Want to drink in the beauty of the Red Sea? Come to the free port city of Cartago today. We have historical ruins from lost civilizations a camel ride away. Visit the tombs of the Pharaohs and the ancients. For the sporty sun worshipper, we have sun, surf and sand on the beaches of our fair port city. Cartago, where East meets West. Contact your travel agency now.

* * *

_

Personal:

Dear Katrina, please kindly accept my gift of an olive branch from Memphis. The weather in Cartago is most lovely about this time next week. – Augusta Seth

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

In the manga, Astharoshe's 'cat' is a huge tiger, who tries to chew up Abel when he calls on the Duchess of Kiev/ Visountess of Odessa.


	12. Issue 12

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Welcome to Cartago, land of the Arabian nights… and Inquisition airships? I have been adding little nuggets for the humour. No offence. Pardon any bad quoting, or misquoting.

* * *

_The Trinity Times_

_Issue 12 _

MILITARY RULE DECLARED IN CARTAGO BY INQUISITION

Blast at the Vatican's Embassy kills 5, Assassination Attempt on Cardinal Sofraz

The Inquisition Bureau has declared military rule in the free port city of Cartago after a bomb was set off at the Vatican's embassy to Cartago. The bomb went off in the grounds of the embassy at about 11 pm last night, killing 5 embassy guards and wounding 15 others. Sources state that a would-be assassin forced his way into the bed chamber of the visiting Vatican envoy, Cardinal Catherina Sofraz. The assassination attempt was foiled by the cardinal's alert bodyguard. The embassy was moderately damaged in the blast and the ensuing shootout. The assassin escaped capture and is believed to be wounded. Rumours hint that this brazen attack on the embassy and the envoy may be instigated by terrorist vampires.

The Duke Medici has despatched an Inquisition fleet to impose order in the desert port and protect his sister, the Cardinal Sofrza. The duke reassures all Cartago citizens that the Inquisition is there to protect them from further terrorist attacks, and not as some allege, a bid to impose Vatican rule by force in Cartago. The Vatican honours the autonomous rights of the port of Cartago and all business may continue as normal outside the curfew hours from dusk to dawn. Citizens of Cartago are strongly encouraged to cooperate with the Inquisition. All terrorist vampires and their collaborators will be severely dealt with.

* * *

_Hawaii__ Court Rules Misadventure in Methuselah Deaths_

Hawaii high court rules misadventure in the unfortunate deaths and casualties in the Hawaiian Methuselah Surf Club at the annual Surf-Up competition last month. Prompt action by Terran lifeguards saved the lives of at least twelve club members. Tragically, six members of the club perished from their burns. Coconut-Kool Pte Ltd, the sponsor for the event will be charged with gross negligence in failing to provide the competitors with adequate waterproof sun block. The county regrets this tragic incident and hopes that the Terran and surviving Methuselah communities on the islands will continue to co-exist in harmony.

– Aloha Press

* * *

WARNING by TOTAL Skin Care Products

All consumers please be informed that TOTAL UV protection sun block creams do not provide UV protection adequate for Methuselah skins. Our company will not be held responsible for any accidents arising from misuse of our products. – TOTAL management

* * *

Ask Leon

Blanche, Father A and HC-IIIX have been despatched to the bannocks in some sand-swept wilderness and the Prof is tied up with some business in his lab with an old friend. So I guess it is up to me, Leon, to reply to your letters. Rest assured that I will provide my best as advice columnist.

_Dear Leon _

_I have a problem. I have this superior in a military organisation I have a major crush on. However, he only thinks of me as his capable lieutenant. Help. I want him to look at me in a different way, like maybe his girlfriend? _

_- Frustrated Lady _

Dear Lady

I would suggest ditching your uniform for a sexier get-up. Maybe figure-hugging black leather to emphasis your curves? No man will miss that. – Leon

_Dear Leon_

I took your advice, Father A, and had a long chat with the follower mentioned in my last letter, however things soon turned ugly as the follower pulled out a machine gun, he is to be executed at dawn but now I have another problem, it seems that I have more followers against me than I thought, what should I do about this?

General Zargon 

Dear Zargon

I am sorry but Father A is unable to advise you today. About the other chaps, I told you so. Have you considered changing your management style?

- Leon

_Dear Leon _

_I am in this huge mess. I have this very good friend; he's like a blood brother to me. However, I am dedicated to a cause that requires my pal to be killed in a manner that will plunge the known world into open warfare. My superiors are not taking no for an answer. So I set up a little shootout for him to die in. Except he manages to limp out of it, very much alive. I should have done things myself except I can't bring myself to kill him when he's got that silly 'I-trust-you-with-my-life' look on his face. Maybe a little tip-off… Gah! Why the hell am I writing in to a Terran? _

_- Rebel with a Cause _

Dear Rebel

With a pal like you, who needs enemies? It sounds that you have dug yourself in real deep this time. I remind you some things. One, blessed are the peacemakers, warmongers wind up in a toasty place known as Hell, or at least Inquisition cells. Two, what is more important to you? Some flaming cause or your blood brother and pal? Search your heart (assuming you still have one left) and I think you will find the answer, and tell those other rebels to (bleep)

- Disgusted, Leon

* * *

_Ad: Hate nasty UV rays? Hate the desert glare? Want to enjoy the sunrise without getting burnt to a crisp? Use Emir Aladdin's double glazed, UV protection, anti-glare glass for your windows. You'll never need to hang your drapes again. Top brand in Samaria.

* * *

_

Advertisement: Use Rose-100 Sun-Block for delicate Methuselah skins. Waterproof and provide protection from UV rays for up to 6 hours.

* * *

_Cartago Ibelis Inn Puppet Stage presents the well-loved Germanic fairytale, Sleeping Beauty. Child prodigy master puppeteer to perform for the matinee. Rose Cross Club members are eligible for free house drinks.

* * *

_

Personals:

Yo, Abel, return me my speedboat! I need it for my dive-party! – Slyvie

_Sword Dancer, please kindly contact Iron Maiden pronto. You were last seen taking a raft in the direction of the Atlantic Ocean during hurricane season. We do not want to arrange a premature funeral for you, again, like the last time. It is embarrassing for all of us and a waste of time._

* * *

**Author's Notes: **

Someone has gone AWOL again. I can't get over that idea of Hugue going to sea solo on a raft in the manga. No prizes for what the Rose Cross Club is. I never figure out who Slyvie is. Radu is really, really in a dilemma about Ion.


	13. Issue 13

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

More Inquisition bad press, more Dietrich-Isaak exchanges and body snatchers? Poor Leon is a little swamped by work, like me.

This issue should round up the Ibelis arc nicely.

* * *

_The Trinity Times_

_Issue 13 _

FIRE OVER CARTAGO: Dozens Killed

_Technical Glitch to Blame for Airship Malfunction? _

Cartago – Dozens were killed and injured when a fleet of three Inquisition airships malfunctioned over Cartago during their night patrol. The Inquisition fleet had been sent to the port city by Cardinal Francesco after an attack on the Vatican embassy to Cartago. At around midnight, the Inquisition pilots report lost of control of the airships' steering systems shortly before communication was cut off. Several rounds were fired into the city neighbourhoods, resulting fires and death. Witnesses report seeing lightning crackling around the vessels before the airships finally collided in the sky near the Vatican embassy, raining burning debris over the streets below. All 18 crewmen on the airships were killed instantly.

The same time as the airship malfunctions, it was alleged that persons or creatures unknown attacked the embassy. Embassy security reassures the public that it was the work of a band of fanatics and all the intruders have been dealt with. At press time, piles of spent bullet casings were recovered from the garden just below the guest room's balcony, a mute testimony to the furious gun battle of that night. The embassy has declined to report any casualties suffered during the latest attack.

In a possibly unrelated incident, Inquisition captain, Brother Petros, was found severely wounded in the street leading up to the embassy. The burning wreck of the Inquisition's newest Goliath super tank was found nearby. Speculation is rife as to whether the captain's wounds were caused by the tank's cannon or whether it was a malfunction related to the airships. The Inquisition has refused to comment on this incident. Brother Petros is currently warded in the St Julian's Hospital of Cartago. His condition is described as stable.

Initial investigations point to a technical glitch in the airship computer system. The Vatican Bureau of Inquisition regrets this unfortunate and tragic incident and promises a thorough inquiry will be conducted. A special memorial service will be held in Cartago for the victims. It will be presided over by the Cardinal Sforza before she returns to Rome.

_Top Albion Chip Maker Ghet-Tec Recalls Chips_

The top Albion computer chip-maker Ghet-Tec has announced a recall of all Model XT-I and XT-II computer chips after fears that defective control chips of the same model may be implicated in the Cartago disaster. These two models were commonly used in airship steering systems about 5 years ago until they were replaced by the Model XT-A chip. The recall is expected to ground the majority of the Vatican fleet in addition to commercial airship traffic in Europe.

_Bids for refurnishing and renovations: _

_Vatican__ embassy to Cartago seeks contractors for major renovations and re-furnishing. Bids welcome at your nearest Vatican office.

* * *

_

INQUISITION RAID SPARKS CARTAGO MERCHANT PROTEST

Middle East Trader's Union has lodged an official complaint to the Vatican after Inquisition forces raided several mansions in the prosperous Bayside strip of Cartago's merchant quarter. This is the latest in a long list of complaints against the Vatican Bureau of Inquisition Merchants decry the heavy-handed tactics of the Inquisition during the raids. Occupants of the mansions were allegedly manhandled and threatened by the guards. Many of them were later held in the Inquisition's lock-up. "I was romping with my wives in my Turkish bath when they demolished my door! Then the pigs had us locked up for the night in a smelly cell!" acting spokesman for the union, Sheikh Ali Baba exclaimed. "Unless we receive an apology and adequate compensation for this treatment, we will proceed to move our operations to the Empire-ruled port of Damascus."

In an unrelated incident, a Cartagian taxi-driver alleged that his vehicle was stolen by an Inquisition guard, a Vatican priest, a nun and a young boy. The said vehicle was later found wrecked in Embassy Walk. The owner claimed an Inquisition guard and a gun-toting nun demanded the use of his vehicle after knocking down his front door. Not wanting trouble, the man handed over the keys. The nun is suspected not to hold a driver's license and possibly has the most reckless driving techniques around. "I could hear the priest screaming three blocks away!" The witness claimed.

* * *

_Family Crypts Raided: Body Snatchers in Berlin? _

Berlin - The German Methuselah population has been rocked by a spate of crypt pilfering. The only things removed are the embalmed bodies of the dead. Most of the dead were casualties of that dreadful train crash in Munich last week. Grave goods, including gold and gemstones, were left untouched. Methuselah families of newly deceased have taken measures, including hiring of armed guards. Other families have taken the more extreme step of cremation of the dead. The families hit by the recent spate of body snatching include the cream of the German cultural sphere, the von Weisses, Wolfgangs and von Kampfers. Ingerta Hildegarde von Kampfer, a renowned pianist and a single mother, speaks of her shock on discovering her family crypt violated so soon after she had laid her twin sons to rest after their deaths in the Munich crash. "This is an outrage! I pay my respects to my children and I find them gone from their coffins! This is a worse shock than when my brother flitted off to goodness-knows-where! Who would do such a terrible thing to my poor boys?"

* * *

Ask Leon

Hi folks! Leon here, a tad short-handed here, so let's go!_ (Dives into a pile of letters)_

_Dear Leon _

_My subordinate has always been sensible and capable. However, she has taken to wearing a skin-tight leather piece recently. She can still hold her own in a pitched battle, but it is very distracting for my men, know what I mean? If not, please refer to photo enclosed. What can I do? _

_- Embarrassed Knight _

Dear Knight

Easy, have her transferred to my office – Leon (Wolf-whistle)

_Dear Leon _

_My best buddy betrayed me. I can't believe it – gah- I am so confused! He set me up to fail my mission. He tried to get me killed, not once, but thrice! The backstabbing snake… We grew up together, went to the Academy together, heck, we even went to the Little Boys' room together as kids! He's my partner… I trusted him with my life! I would have gladly gone through Hell for him! Now I feel like I can never trust anyone again! I think he should be dead though. I should be hating him to pieces. Instead of feeling mad, I feel so hurt just thinking about him… _

_- Still Hurting _

Dear Hurting

Hold your horses, boy. You sure have been through a lot. Betrayal really hurts big time, about there with a root canal, or a session with the Inquisition. Since the object of your hatred is dead, perhaps you should try to forgive, forget and move on with life. Go out in the sunshine or moonlight, make a few friends, you know? Just kick back and let go. Or if you really, really have unresolved issues with your departed ex-best buddy, I suggest a can of spray paint to his tombstone to announce what you think of him.

- Yours in prayer and graffiti, Leon (do you want red or green?)

_Dear Leon _

_Regrettably, I was unable to follow your advice…Help, I am being controlled by a sadistic jerk… He is controlling my every move…Even now he is in my head. Help… Dear stupid Vatican dog, you haven't won the game yet. By the way, tell Blanche I love her. I will be watching her… _

_- Blanche's Stalker_

This is really weird. I seriously recommend a shrink for that voice in your head. – Leon

P.S. Keep away from Blanche, you prev.

Oh by the way, I am not going to obey a directive from one grumpy Vice-Ed about not replying to Methuselah letters. Hey, it is all in the name charitable deeds. Besides, I ain't too smart so I can't tell if a Methuselah or a Terran is writing in. So sue me!

_(Catherina reads the newspaper: Leon, must you try riling my fellow cardinal?)

* * *

_

_Personals:_

_Letter: _

_Yes I have considered that but found upon further thought that it is not nearly as effective as the one I am currently using, though I am considering letting some soldiers have a few days off, by the way I feel I am justified in asking if you are currently missing an agent by the name of Hugue? if so please come to Albion where one of my LOYAL followers will meet you and take you to a prearranged place so you can pick him up. _

General Zargon

Reply to letter: I guess there is no need for me to drop by. If Hugue wants to stay in Albion, you wouldn't be able to get him to leave. If he wants to leave, you probably wouldn't be able to keep him. Please do not try to stop him, unless you want to be short of a few more loyal followers. – Leon

* * *

_Personal:_

_Augusta__, Sincere thanks for your most generous gift of an olive tree from Memphis. However, I regret that the oil lamp accompanying it appears to be broken en route. In return, I wish to send you a box of Albion fruit tea and a rare book. I hope that we can continue our discussion on gardening, in particular, rose-bush pruning. - Katrina

* * *

_

Personal Ad: Dieter, keep away from MY family crypt, do you hear? Return my nephews to their rightful place,_ every piece _of them. – Issak

* * *

Advertisements: 

Want herbs from Italy? Need exotic spices from Byzantinum? Mimar Spices and Herbs will meet your needs! We transport spices and medicinal herbs to and from Byzantinum and Western Europe.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

In the manga, Radu and Ion were childhood friends, very close friends. Ion is the mischievous one; Radu the studious one. Ion really took Radu's betrayal hard in the manga. I cooked up the part about the von Kampfer crypt getting pilfered. Dietrich will be in for a earful for upsetting someone's sister. Guess who's writing in to Leon as Blanche's Stalker.

Okay, the next couple of episodes are set in the Imperial capital. I will need to take some time off to consider what news can be published in relation to the incidents in the Empire by the Vatican.


	14. Issue 14

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

I am back! The Night Lords arc and someone has her own column. Do you think Cartago ever recovered from that diplomatic visit? An apology from the VBI? Is the apocalypse upon us again?

* * *

_The Trinity Times_

_Issue 14_

Letter from the Vice Editor

A piece of good news: our paper's circulation has extended into Eastern Europe. To kick off our launch in Eastern Europe, we will be featuring a series of actual letters from a young girl from Byzantinum, the walled capital city of the Empire. With your prayers we hope to extend our reach and goodwill further. In addition, my fellow editor will issue an official apology to the good citizens of Cartago

– Duchess of Milan

* * *

APOLOGY NOTICE

The Vatican offers sincerest apologies for any damage or distress caused as a result of decisions taken by a rogue patrol of the Inquisition. However, we rule out compensation for any beach bungalows damaged in any raids for vampires. – Vatican Bureau of Inquisitions

* * *

CARDINAL SORFAZ RETURNS TO ROME

Cardinal Sorfaz has returned to Rome after a gruelling diplomatic tour. The tour has fostered better relations between the European countries and the Vatican, with the notable exception of Cartago, which is still smarting from the highhanded treatment received from the Bureau of Inquisition. The Cardinal was greeted the airfield by her brother, Cardinal Francesco di Medici. The welcome was characteristically dignified and cool, as have always characterised the relationship between the pair.

However, inside sources claim that Lady Catherina's Cartago visit was not as fruitless as thought. An unidentified member of the Cartago Council was said to have been escorted by Inquisition captain Brother Petros to meet the cardinal for secret trade negotiations. Brother Petros has remained tight-lipped when interviewed in the hospital where he was recuperating from a misadventure involving a Goliath tank. The mystery visitor is believed to be the youthful blond Benjamin al-Shalom or his equally blond and youthful cousin Lady Sara, rising councillors in the conservative city council. The duo is known for their radical roots and favour of continued Vatican power as a stabilizing force in the region. Both have denied the meeting.

* * *

_Inquisition Law Lifted in Cartago_

_Political Chaos _

The citizenry of Cartago welcome the lifting of military rule with the withdrawal of the last battalion of Inquisition guards by the Vatican. The Cartago Council has voted on the issue of autonomy for the city this morning and the results are overwhelmingly in favour of a total withdrawal of all Vatican control. The city of Cartago has been under self-rule for the past fifty years with essential defence and trade managed by the Church. This decision brought about a significant change in power dynamics of the Middle East.

Hours after the decision was announced, known Vatican sympathizer, Lady Sara al-Shalom, was attacked and lynched by supporters of the conservative wing of the Cartago Council. Her cousin and fellow councillor, Benjamin al-Shalom, avenged his kinswoman's death by having Conservative leader Emir Ismaeel Saladin's house firebombed. By evening, both Reformist and Conservative parties and their supporters were rioting in the streets of Cartago. At press time, the death toll is in the hundreds and neither al-Shalom nor Saladin is willing to call a truce.

Weather forecasts predict a major sandstorm in the coming week. The storm is expected to bear down on Cartago. Authorities have yet to call for an evacuation as they are too busy killing each other.

* * *

_Von Kampfer Family Return from the Dead Shocker: Macabre Prank?_

Berlin- World class Methuselah pianist Ingerta Hildegrade von Kampfer was admitted to hospital in a state of severe shock after returning from the Berlin Concert Hall to find the bodies of her deceased sons propped up in her parlour. Investigators find no signs of forced entry to the residence. The twins' bodies were among those spirited away from Methuselah crypts in a recent spate of bodysnatching. The bodies showed signs of being dissected and hastily snitched together. Speculation is rife that Lady Ingerta was the victim of a malicious prank, though no one can explain why a charitable patron of the arts and music was targeted in such a cruel manner. The other families affected by the body snatchers did not report any return of their loved ones.

_(Somewhere, Isaak reads this issue and mumbles something about killing a certain puppeteer in a slow and very painful manner.)

* * *

_

Letter from Behind the Wall

Dear readers,

As a humble tea-seller, I am honoured that I am given a chance to introduce my hometown to the outside world. I am an average young girl living in Byzantinum. I know what some of you may be thinking; but no, Terrans are not oppressed by the Methuselah nobility or anything. In fact, both races have equal rights and privileges in the eyes of the law… okay, maybe Terrans get preferential medical treatment at the hospital, since Methuselahs hardly get ill or injured enough to warrant medical treatment (unless it's an accident with some silverware). Alright, maybe we do have some minor differences. Most of our nobles happen to be Methuselah. I guess when you serve the empire for a few hundred years; you are bound to do something that warrants the conferment of a hereditary title.

Anyhow, most Terrans live in the eastern sector of the city. The nobility have their mansions in the west, from the old days before the blood serum invention. Back then, we had blood donation drives very week. Since they have developed a blood serum substitute a few hundred years back, they have no need for drinking human blood directly. So they did away with the silver canal between the neighbourhoods. I am a medical student at the college, so I know these things. The Empress takes a very dim view of any Methuselah who harms Terrans. In fact, Methuselahs who wilfully ill-treat Terrans are punished by law. The amazing technology of the wall allows both Terran and Methselah to interact openly in the streets even in daytime. It builds understanding. Oops, I have a lecture to attend now. Bye!

- Emma Seth (just a pretty young girl)

* * *

Ask Leon

HC-IIIX reporting. Leon has been hauled up for misconduct by Vice-Editor Medici. Forecasted time of return is 90 gazillion seconds. During this time, I will be responding to your letters.

_Dear Leon_

_I have big, ugly bugs crawling up my balcony walls. Blasting them with regular bug-spray does not work! Help. _

_- Squeamish in Cartago_

Dear Squeamish

I recommend a pair of 18-calibre St Michael pistols for blasting unwanted intruders off your balcony. It worked for me in Cartago.

- HC-IIIX

_Dear Leon _

_My bathroom pipes are choked with sea slugs and myrrh. The pool is stagnating and turning rancid and I am expecting guests for a pool party. Help!_

_- Party Animal. _

Dear Party

After computing the inputs, the resulting advice is: get a plunger to unclog your pipes or a plumber. Change the water in the pool. Backup plan: let your guests play board games instead of pool games. Oh, and do not wash sea slugs and myrrh down the sink.

- HC-IIIX

* * *

_Personal notice: _

Isaak! you miserable worm! You are a disgrace to us! The von Kampfer clan knows you have something to do with what happened at Greta's place! We, the von Kampfers of Berlin, disown Isaak Ferdnand von Kampfer. Show your sorry face around Berlin and we will fill your sorry carcass with silver!

* * *

_Personal Ad:_

_Issak, I have returned your precious nephews to their Ma as they are wimpy specimens compared to you. Are you interested in donating your remains after death for my medical education? – D.

* * *

_

NOTICE to all Rumourmongers:

The Asran family baths are not filled with the blood of Terran maidens for crying out loud! We have better things to do than clog up our pipes with blood. We use special bath oil made from the milk of the endangered Kiev giant sea slug from an old family recipe. – Duchess of Kiev

* * *

NOTICE to would-be day-trippers 

DO NOT trespass on the Asran family mansion grounds in the Imperial capital. We, the Asran household, will not be liable for any damages to your life and limb by our beloved house-tiger.

* * *

**Author's Notes: **

Can't resist a dig at the Duchess' bath recipe and her pet tigress. Too bad in the anime, they did not have the tigress using Abel as a chew toy as in the manga. "Bad girl, spit that out. You don't know where that has been." Muah-ha, poor Abel.


	15. Issue 15

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Please read and review. I know it is the season to be jolly but I am having a hangover of good cheer… Juz kidding. My internet connection is acting weird. If things persist, I may go MIA for a long while.

* * *

_The Trinity Times_

_Issue 15_

MURDER MOST BLOODY IN BYZANTINUM

Head of Imperial Secret Service Slain by Grandson

Byzantinum – The Empire has issued an unprecedented warrant for the arrest of one of their nobles both within and beyond the Imperial wall after the violent murder of her Head of the Imperial Secret Service, Duchess of Moldova, Mirka Fortuna. Lady Mirka was a member of the Inner Circle of nobles close to the Empress Augusta Vradica. The attacker then set fire to the building to destroy evidence. The duchess' charred remains were recovered from the ruins. The Auto-maids employed in the Moldova mansion were found destroyed in various parts of the grounds.

The deputy head of the secret service, Duke Suleyman of Tigris, has released at a rare press conference that all evidence points to the Duchess' grandson, Count Ion of Memphis. Count Ion has recently been consorting with undesirable elements. Count Ion was known for his short temper as a child and it is believed that a family quarrel may have led to the murder. However, the Duke has not ruled out possible influences from unfriendly forces.

The Imperial Elite guardsmen led by Duke Baybars arrived at the scene after receiving an anonymous tip-off and found the Count and two unidentified persons on the grounds. The suspect resisted arrest and fled after crossing swords with the Duke. The Count is slight built, with crimson eyes and short blond hair. The two unidentified persons are a tall male and a red-haired female, both believed to be Terrans. They are believed to still be in the Imperial city. If you have any information of their whereabouts, you may report them to the Empress' Secret Service Office. The contact person is Imperial Inspector Duchess Astaroshe Asran of Kiev.

Though greatly aggrieved by her loyal courtier's brutal end, the Empress has appealed for calm and stresses that the suspect be captured alive and subject to trial by the Imperial court. Would-be bounty-hunters are reminded that no reward will be given if the suspect is killed or severely wounded. Her Imperial Highness will be attending the Duchess' funeral in two days' time.

* * *

Letter from Behind the Wall

Dear readers,

As a tea-seller, I see lots of interesting sights and sounds I wish to share with you. The marketplace is bustling with the good citizens, Terran and Methuselah alike. Children of both races play together in harmony in some neighbourhoods near the old canal. Hopscotch, jump-rope, skitters. I like it in the East district where I live. I can see the Imperial palace from my garret on a good day. Sometimes, I feel sorry for the children of the noble Methuselah families in the West district. They work and study really hard as they have to serve the Empress when they come of age. I have a friend in the medical college whose father is a courtier. He has to study medicine, train with his sword every day because one day, he will be working for the Empress. His family's an old one, so he's got to keep their reputation.

Back to the marketplace. We have couples strolling along by the river where the buskers sing. We may have Terrans or Methuselah couples or even a Terran- Methuselah pair. It is a tricky business when a Methuselah falls for a Terran. They have some law against it in the old days and they have been debating it for the past 200 years. For now, I guess we just look the other way. I think it is very sweet. Oh and the annual Roof Race is coming up soon. This is an exclusively Methuselah competition as most Terrans find themselves left behind in this event. The competitors have to take the quickest route through the city via rooftop only. Competitors have been known to get injured. It will be a busy time for me as I will have to be a medical volunteer this year. Sigh, I'll miss watching the event from my window.

- Emma Seth (just a pretty young girl)

* * *

Ask Leon

Hi, readers. I am back! The Editors reached an agreement to let me continue answering your letters while serving my penance in this Inquisition-run hellhole! Father Abel and Blanche are still stuck in the boondocks somewhere. Heck, they'll do fine. With me today is my bro, HC-IIIX.

_Dear Leon _

I now have a serious problem, not only is my girlfriend mad at me for continuing to lead my army on bloody rampages but now I have a vampire, let's just call him D, in my living room! not only will he not leave but he put his feet on the coffee table and took up residence! what should I do? by the way, can you tell Hugue that he still owes me 400 dinars from that bet we made?

General Zargon

Dear Zargon

Excuse me. We are talking about a guy who doesn't even carry enough for a bus fare, much less 400 dinars. About your relationship, I used to have similar problems in my former life as a mercenary captain. My woman objected to me and my unit tracking in blood and muck after work. Also, her deadbeat kid bro took up residence in our little cottage. I simply took my bazooka and put a hole in the wall behind him and I guess he got the message. He has not been seen since. The downside was my wife filed for divorce and took the baby. My advice: use silver bullets and a silencer for the vampire so your gal does not get unduly alarmed.

- Your sincerely, Leon

_Dear Leon_

_My fiancé has been acting strange for the past few months. First, he disappears for long stretches of time with no valid reason. He tells me that he will be going Outside on a business trip with a fellow diplomat. But he does not take the regular diplomatic travel channels. Being a tad suspicious, I set Daddy's spies to trailing him. To my horror, they report that he has been holing up in a private seaside mansion in Cartago with 'a pretty blond chit'. I am very tolerant so I refrain from ordering his disposal. Then I hear that he and that blond (bleep) chit were witnessed acting suspiciously in a dark alley. Next he disappears and we receive no news of him for weeks! My fiancé has since returned to our country but he has not visited or even asked about me, even though he did contact Daddy. I figured since he likes blonds, I dyed my silky raven tresses blond but he just walked right past me in the hallway without even a glance. And he used to be so sweet to me before! Even if our betrothal is arranged by our parents, I would expect him to at least be civil! My patience is really, REALLY running out and I feel like personally impaling (bleeping) worm onto a silver stake for a slow painful demise. _

_- Irked Future Baroness _

Dear Baroness

Whoa! You sure sound ticked. So the problem is that your fiancé has been partying with pretty blond things and ignoring you. I would suggest you take the initiative to end your engagement before things really reach a head. You sound like a lady of quality. Perhaps you may persuade Daddy to make arrangements to find you a more deserving man? I am sure all fathers only want the best for their little girls. I know I would.

- Leon

Computing your input, the result is your current system specs are incompatible. Perhaps your fiancé's system has been altered by a virus or some illegal download. Recommendation: to reformat, reboot or replace software. Please install firewall this time.

- HC-IIIX

_(Leon: Brother, I think she means her man, not her laptop)

* * *

_

Stiff 800 year old dead weight needs removing? Need to re-vamp your organization? Isaak and Dietrich Management Consultants can offer you innovative solutions to inject new life into your business. Call 100-123-JUDAS now.

P.S. We will not be liable if for any executions suffered as a result of high treason.

* * *

Personal Ad: 

Willie, please quit using my computer system to store your little commercial jingles. They are messing up my communications. If I hear 'Jingle Bells' or 'Deck the Halls' on my system one more lousy time, I will park my battleship on your lab. - Kate

_Reply: Sorry, Kate. It is only a temporary thing until I get my MP3 working again. I will input Elton John's classics for you as a gift.

* * *

_

Byzantinum mint teas, the perfect way to quench your thirst on a hot summer's day. Try them now.


	16. Issue 16

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Cardinal Francesco rains on someone's column. And more fun with Ask Leon and team. My connection's still wierd, so I thank all readers for their reviews here as I seem to be having problems replying by the usual way.

* * *

_The Trinity Times_

_Issue 16_

Vice-Editor's Notice:

This paper will not be an outlet for blasphemy! From this issue forth, we will not publish any more letters promoting co-existence of humans with vampires! It is heresy to even contemplate a relationship with a vile monster as a vampire! All vampires should be dealt with in the usual method, namely executed.

- Vice Editor, Cardinal Francesco

_(Catherina: That is so uncalled for, brother... )_

* * *

SPORTS FEATURE

Annual Byzantinum Roof Race: Backstabbing and Scandals Galore

The annual Roof Race of Byzantinum was held yesterday with more than its usual share of spills, slips and backstabbing surprises. The rules are simple. Each competing Methuselah family sends one representative to race 20 km from the East neighbourhood to the Palace gates. It is also rumoured that this event is a prime excuse for feuding families to settle their scores. Before the start of the race, foul play was hinted at when a leading favourite in the race, Duke Baybars, suddenly withdrew from the race due to whispers of unauthorized intrusions into the palace.

Another shocker was the ambush and hamstringing of the Fortuna representative by the Barvon family competitor. Some witnesses went so far as to claim that the victim was almost pushed off the roof while incapacitated. The Fortuna family was forced to withdraw from the race as its representative was unable to continue. Both families have competed in previous roof races as allies and this incident has grave implications for Imperial politics. Count Rashid Barvon denies any rivalry between his son and the Fortuna heir over the affections of a certain young lady as alleged in Byzantinum tabloids.

True to form, the volatile Asran family representative has destroyed another steeple this year trying to slow down the competition. To preserve the architecture of the city, judges will consider banning all weapons not part of the competitors' bodies in future races. In addition to a charge of wilful vandalism, the Asrans are expected to face charges of causing grievous injury to various nobles.

The Suleyman family was disqualified for sending in two competitors in violation of one of the few rules. Duke Suleyman maintains that he has only intention was to retrieve his daughter. Lady Latifa Suleyman refuses to comment on why she was participating in the race armed with a silver-tipped lance, in another violation of the rules. The family will be banned from the race for the next 10 years. There are whispers that the engagement between the Suleyman and Barvon clans is on the rocks and may be called off in the near-future.

Surprisingly, for the first time in 30 years, a Terran participated in the race. The competitor, known only as Abel, did not finish the race due to reasons unknown. Competitors racing alongside the Terran reported he displayed an astounding speed for a Terran. The winner for this year's race is surprisingly, a young Methuselah commoner. The young lady identified herself simply as Seth, a humble tea-seller. She clocked a new record of 32 minutes 4 seconds, 10 minutes faster than the previous record.

* * *

_Merchant Killed: Verdict of Burglary Gone Wrong_

Renowned Byzantinum medicine trader Mimar was found murdered in what is believed to be a bungled burglary. Byzantinum investigators believe that he was taking a siesta after and woke up to surprise the intruders. Neighbours note that the old man has returned from his latest trading trip to Cartago three days earlier than expected. Investigators believe the burglars may not have been expecting him to be home as the burglary was committed at midday, a time of much activity in the Terran district. The culprits are still at large.

The brutal nature of the crime evoked memories of the mass murderer Endre of Zagreb, who is held responsible for the deaths of more than 300 Terrans in the Empire and Outside. Endre is currently held in a secret high-security prison pending sentence.

* * *

Ask Leon

Hi ya readers! A big thank you for all the lovely fan mail. Oh, hate mails will be used to light pipes. The team will continue to serve you to the best of our ability. With me today is the Prof and HC-IIIX. We three old chaps hope we can lend a helping hand to all you folks.

_Dear Leon_

_My Methuselah neighbours keep running about on my roof all hours in training for the annual Roof Race and it is keeping me awake! _

_-Sleepless in Byzantinum_

Dear Sleepless

For 4 dinas, I will send you my WWW heavy-duty ear plugs for that pattering of feet on your roof tiles. A peaceful night's sleep is a guarantee. My neighbours have not complained about my late nights in the lab since they purchased them.

- Professor WWW

Recommend defensive action by installing silver spikes on your roof. Also keep a pistol loaded with silver bullets handy. If silver is not economical, use holy water on your roof.

- HC-IIIX

Grease up your roof tiles, kick back and watch the fun start.

- Yours in mischief, Leon

_Dear Leon_

_For some (bleep) reason, I find myself playing babysitter to this kid. All he does since coming here is sit and mope in the corner. I understand that he has lost family suddenly and can sympathize with him. But that glum face of his is starting to piss me off. He does not sleep or eat. It's like he has given up on life! The wimp! I feel like tossing him to my house-tiger just to check if he has died from despair yet. _

_- Unwilling babysitter_

Dear Babysitter

You sound like you are under stress. I recommend my pal Kate's de-stressing flower tea for your nerves. A pinch of lavender, camomile and rose hips with your tea will ease your headache. For your grief-stricken charge, I suggest a warm milk tea to encourage sleep. In the meanwhile, our team will pray for your charge. If your charge fails to recover from his depression or sinks deeper in, please contact a professional counsellor.

- Yours in prayer, Professor WWW

Attach electrodes to the subject to track heartbeat, respiration and brainwaves to confirm life. Do not use tigers to confirm life. To provide nutrients, an IV glucose feed is recommended.

- HC-IIIX

_Dear Leon _

I took your advise and got the silver bullets and silencer for the vampire in my living room and then put them to use, D left but now I have bullet holes in the walls of my living room! do you happen to know a good contractor to hire who'll be able to fix them before my girlfriend sees them? by the way, can you tell Hugue that I have received his letter and am willing to take the 3 favors instead of the 400 dinars?

General Zargon

Hey, Hugue! Do you mind helping your pal with DIY home repairs?

- Leon

_Dear Leon,_

_I am INNOCENT! I did not kill my grandmother, and I did not kill the former butler and I sure am NOT planning high treason! I'm being set up! But the Imperial guards are after my neck and so are the real traitors. I have received information that someone is in danger and I need to inform them. Help! _

_- Totally Innocent_

Dear Innocent-till-proven-guilty

I really hate to be in your place. A dungeon is a lousy place to be. Try calling on your trusted friends for help, I refer to those you can trust to watch your back in a fight, and are willing to keep you company in prison if your luck runs out on you.

- Sympathetically yours, Leon

* * *

_Notice from Noble Swordsmiths Union _

_After careful investigation, we are proud to announce that our blades meet the standards set by the Empire. In fact, the Yeniceri, Imperial bodyguard, was renewed their contract with us this year. Our swords can stand up to any fight, unless for some suicidal reason, you decide to take on the chief of the Yeniceri himself.

* * *

_

Personal Notice:

Dear Isaak, I am doing well with my pet projects and will be taking a side-trip to renew some old acquaintances. Send my regards to Lord Cain. I do hope he is holding up well. – Dietrich.

_Reply: Dear Dietrich, one day you will get killed for real and we will all be wondering why. – Isaak.

* * *

_

Personal:

Methuselah noble lady seeking deserving Methuselah nobleman as husband. Must be younger than 250 years old, be at least 1.8 m tall and have a minimum title of Count or Earl. Must NOT hail from the family of Barvon as I am not keen on running into my ex, ever.

– Lady L. Suleyman

* * *

_Seeking Lost Family:_ I am seeking my long-lost brother, Abel for a joyful family reunion. Sister Seth is welcome to join in as well. – Cain

* * *

Big brother A, wherever you are, don't call on me in my mansion. I prefer a less formal setting like the Central Square. – Little sister S

* * *

_Missing: My beloved sister Anis de Watteau. Last seen being snatched by (bleep) vampires from our manor 10 years ago. Has our family's striking good looks, even then. Blond. Expected current age is seventeen. If you have any information on her whereabouts, please send to PO Box 12, Vatican City._

_- Hugue

* * *

_

**Author's Notes:**

The idea of a roof race is inspired by a fictional city called Hav. All the unfriendly competition is an add on. Radu's engagement is well on the way to kaput. Diet doesn't watse time with females he has no use for or used on one of his pet schemes.


	17. Issue 17

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

In this chapter, someone tries his hand at the advice column. And someone's been naughty in the dungeons. Oh, yes, the Asran ladies are scary.

* * *

_The Trinity Times_

_Issue 17_

Letter from the Editor

In light of certain difficulties in the advice column, we will be bringing back one-time advice columnist: Knight D. He will be working with Leon as part of the new initiative to improve the public image of the Vatican's Inquisition army. Also, my Vice-Editor, and big brother, has strongly encouraged this joint advice column based on allegations that advice given previously was unfeeling, if not outright criminal. The Church does not encourage acts of vandalism, reckless endangerment of lives or attempts to cause hurt. Why can't we all get along?

- Chief Editor Alessandro _(crosses fingers and prays frantically)

* * *

_

EMPRESS DEAD IN CRYPT BLAST?

_Speculation rife over Succession _

Byzantinum- The capital city of the New Breed Empire was rocked by speculations that the Empress was a victim of a mysterious blast at the Moldova crypt outside the city. Tragedy has plagued the family recently with the violent death f its matriarch, the late Duchess of Moldova, Mirka Fortuna. The Duchess was also a close confidant of the Empress and it was officially released by the palace that the Empress had indeed visited the crypt with the intention of paying her last respects to a dear friend at the time of blast. The crypt was totally destroyed and no official reports have been released to the outside press as yet. The palace has been ominously quiet regarding the fate of the Empress.

Some eyewitness reports state that the Empress' procession to the crypt was stopped shortly by a young Terran female and the late Duchess' grandson for reasons unknown. As the prime suspect in his grandmother's murder, the boy and his companion were taken into imperial custody. Duke Baybars, chief of palace security, has declined to comment on the arrests. The Empress has presided over the Empire for 900 years but is not known to have any surviving relatives or children to succeed her.

Tension is high in the empire and at the Vatican as the question of succession arises. Though Cardinal Francesco claims that a new ruler will in no way affect the Vatican's line on foreign policy with regards to the empire, his sister reluctantly acknowledges that a power vacuum in the Empire will threaten the long-term relations between the Terran and Methuselahs. "Likely candidates to the throne include high ranking imperial nobles who have a hardline attitude towards negotiations between the Empire and humans," the Duchess of Milan was quoted. "The peace we have now is shaky at best, and the wrong kind of emperor may plunge this fragile truce into chaos."

It is hardly surprising as a favourite nominee for the throne is Duke Suleyman of Tigris. Suleyman is one of the three nobles closest to the Empress in her life, the remaining two nobles being the late Duchess Mirka and Duke Baybars. Duke Baybars has voiced that he would not put any claim on the throne. On the contrary, the duke asks the Empress' successor to grant him early retirement. "I have failed my Empress. I have no wish to sit on the throne or to serve another ruler," the Duke announced to his men after the blasts. He was still directing a search of the debris during press time.

No other claimants have come forth yet, though there was dissent at Suleyman ascending the throne. The Barvon family has been slated as a strong supporter of Suleyman's claim despite recent difficulties between the families as a result of a failed marriage arrangement. On the contrary, the Arsan family has opposed the claim vocally. "He may have been like an uncle to my children, but that doesn't mean I agree that he is the best candidate!" Lady Anastasia, Duchess of Caspian, declared.

It is unlikely that the Asrans would nominate one of their own as a candidate. The womenfolk of the Asran household are known for their outspokenness. If they had a candidate in mind, the competition would be joining the folks in the crypts shortly. However, unconfirmed sources claimed that Lady Anastasia's daughter, Duchess Astaroshe of Kiev, has been missing since the blasts and may have eloped with a Terran priest. When questioned on her daughter's alleged elopement, Lady Anastasia smiled sweetly and promised to provide us with a juicy headline item once she gets her hands on those rumourmongers. Duchess is fondly known to her fellow nobles as the Caspian Tigress.

* * *

_Notice from the Vatican_

For the last time, the catacombs are for the dead to lie in, not the living! The catacombs of Rome are the sacred resting places of martyrs, please treat them with respect. Pilgrims and other persons are to note that you should not neck, grope, French-kiss or engage in any hanky panky while in the presence of God. The same thing goes for the churches!

-Cardinal Francesco

P.S. Will the two Inquisition members caught in a compromising situation in the dungeons please report to my office. The explanation better be good.

_Reply: _

_Dear Cardinal, I assure you that we were not engaging in any hanky panky. My long hair simply got in one of our medieval instruments of torture during a routine inspection and she was trying to disentangle it. I apologize that we are unable to report to you in person I am engaged on His Sanctity's orders and you gave her marching orders to Malta regarding some vampire trouble there.

* * *

_

Ask Leon and Knight D

Leon: HC-IIIX is at his servicing. I must confess that I don't like the idea one bit of having to pair up with an Inquisition man. Sugar with your coffee? (Pours a cuppa)

Knight D: Well, tough. It is His Sanctity's orders… This coffee tastes like dishwater! God grant me the strength and patience not to knock off your (bleep) block…

Leon: Really? I never noticed any weird taste. (Tosses away old-sock-turned-coffee-strainer under the table and drinks his instant 3-in-1 coffee)

_Dear Leon_

_My child is planning treason and regencide. He used to be such a darling boy. I gave him and the children the best chances at education. I was so pleased when he got a civil service position. He has always been a good servant to the Throne for many years, 300 to be exact. Suddenly, he has his immediate superior murdered, is plotting to kill our monarch and take over the kingdom. Just tonight, he actually dropped me off a cliff into the sea. Where did I go wrong as a mother? If you are going to advise me to spank him, I must remind you that he is too old for that. _

_- Concerned Mother_

Dear Concerned Mother

The Bible instructs all to honour thy father and mother. Also the commandment states that "Thou shalt not kill." I will be more than willing to help you discipline your wayward child. Hang on, did you say he is 300 years old? By any chance are you Methuselahs?

- Suspiciously yours, Knight D

Did you say he has a civil service job for the past 3 centuries? Don't you know that rots the brain? A fine example is my colleague here…

- Leon _(dodges the Screamer and whips out his bazooka.)_

Editor's note: While Leon and Knight D engage in a friendly sparring match, _I hope_, we will refer your letters to a young man who has volunteered to help us via HAM short-wave radio. He has identified himself as Dexter Knight from Albion.

_Dear Leon_

_I broke up with my girlfriend some time ago and now she is seeing someone else! Help! I can't stand seeing them together all lovey-dovey like. To make matters worse, it is so unnatural. She's a human and he's a vampire, even if he is a duke or somewhat. Currently, I have the pair locked up in my dungeons in my island castle but they are still going on the lovey-dovey. It's making me sick!_

_- Thwarted Lover_

Dear Thwarted Loser

Dear me, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Oops, you are a gent, aren't you? Well, how would you like having them at each other's throats? I recommend you starve the bloodsucker and then turn him loose on her. Then hand her a silver dagger and watch the fun. I hope you are not that keen on your ex.

- Dexter Knight

(Chief Editor faints in horror. HC-IIIX returns from his fortnightly servicing and blasts the HAM radio into smithereens before sitting down to answer the next letter.)

_Dear Leon_

_I was entrusted with the care of two young ones but they have gone missing. Help! I think they may have run out into the cemetery and it's pitch dark and crawling with things that go bump in the night! Would you believe the size of the cemetery they have here? _

_- Babysitter_

Dear Babysitter

Use your GPS tracking system to locate the targets. If targets are in the vicinity, strongly recommend using heat signatures. For a low-tech method, use sniffer dogs.

- HC-IIIX

* * *

Advertisement 

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P.S. In case you are wondering, we are a Byzantinum Methuselah house.


	18. Issue 18

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

_The Trinity Times_

_Issue 18_

SHOCKER: The Empress is Alive!

_Head of Secret Service Alive and Well Too_

_Extremist Network Busted _

Byzantinum- The Imperial Court of the New Breed Empire is pleased, and slightly embarrassed to announce that news of the Empress' demise was highly premature. The Augusta is very much alive and well as evidenced by her recent appearance at the trial of Count Ion Fortuna. The empress presided over the highly publicized trial heavily veiled as is her usual practice. Duke Baybars was also in attendance at the court.

Accused of the murder of his grandmother and high treason, the Count was cleared of all charges except one count of resisting arrest and challenging an officer of the court. He was sentenced to three hours of community service in light of his recent contribution in bringing about the arrest of several radical faction leaders. The murder victim in this case was very much alive. The Duchess Mirka Fortuna was seen picking up her only grandson in her horse carriage outside the Court of Justice. The pair later partook a light lunch at the popular Mint-leaf Café with Lady Astaroshe of Kiev. Regarding recent rumours about her elopement, Lady Astaroshhe denied this allegation vehemently and states that she will never accept a mere Terran as a partner, much less a husband, especially if he is Vatican priest with bad table manners and a dorky attitude. She emphasised her point by threatening the reporters with her spear.

Official reports from the court state that the Empress had left the Fortuna mausoleum secretly and earlier than scheduled after receiving warning from unnamed sources regarding possible attempts on her life. She has since been heavily guarded by her trusted bodyguard and trusted nobles of the court, including the Duchess of Moldova. Rumours of her demise in the explosion were spread in an attempt to flush the radicals out of hiding. The ploy proved successful with the netting of two dozen extremists, some of whom were killed while resisting arrest by the Yeniceri.

The dead included the Deputy Chief of the Secret Service, Duke Suleyman of Tigris, and Baron Radu Barvon of Luxor. Several members of the Barvon and the Suleyman households are placed under house arrest pending investigations. The extremists have confessed to plotting the attempted murders of the Duchess of Moldova and the Empress. The Empress states that she is greatly shocked and saddened that trusted members of the Byzantinum nobility are embroiled in this coup attempt. A major re-shuffle of the court is expected.

_Mix up in the Identification of Murder Victim_

The Byzantinum forensic department was caught off guard with their misidentification of charred remains recovered from the gutted Moldova Mansion as those of the Duchess Mirka Fortuna. Further DNA tests have revealed the true identity of the victim as the Duchess' housekeeper, Mara Morvini. Cause of death was verified as major trauma due to a bomb being set off in the bedroom where she was changing the sheets. Mrs Morvini, a widow survived by two sons, was coincidentally the same physical built and age as the Duchess.

The housekeeper was allegedly a casualty of an attempt on the Duchess' life. The bomb was timed to go off before breakfast. The Duchess has testified that on the day in question, she had broken her long-standing habit of sleeping in late on Sundays by leaving her house before dawn to get some rest and relaxation away, and alone, in the Moldova summer villa in the Urals. She was only aware of her alleged death and her grandson's detention after her return from her vacation.

* * *

ALBION QUEEN ILL: Succession Unresolved

Albion – The palace authority has confirmed recent rumours about the failing health of Queen Bridget XI. Since last summer, the Queen has been absent from council meetings in Westminster and other official functions. She has, however, maintained control over the affairs of state from her palace with the aid of her trusted councillors, Count Virgil Walsh of Manchester and Captain Mary Spencer of the Albion Security Forces. Last week, sources alleged that the Queen had collapsed during a meeting with her two aides and has been bedridden since.

Speculation is rife regarding the succession in light of the Queen's failing health. The throne of Albion has no heir apparent since the tragic assassination of Crown Prince Gilbert, the only child of Queen Bridget, fifteen years ago. The Prince and his wife were killed instantly when a car bomb planted by extremists went off. The bombing was carried by conservative radicals protesting against the Queen and state's recognition of the couple's marriage. The intended target of the blast was the Crown Princess Bianca. Prince Gilbert had, in defiance of royal protocol, married a Hungarian commoner in secret.

The palace has denied that the Queen had considered her distant cousins, Duke Erin of Ireland or Ludwig XI of Germany as likely heirs. Albion parliament has declared an emergency council regarding the succession. To add further to the situation, the Queen's decision to legitimize the late Prince Gilbert's union fifteen years ago was rumoured to be inspired by the existence of a child. The existence of this child has never been confirmed by the palace. Gossip has it that the baby was spirited to safety shortly after the deaths of its parents. The press speculates that Her Majesty may reveal the whereabouts of the heir to the throne shortly.

* * *

TRIVIA: Votes for Best Places to Initiate Romance

1) Dark creepy place like a catacomb or dungeon – not for the wimpy or faint of heart. Avoid being locked in. Scaring your date is also a definite no-no.

2) Dark underground river- a boat trip in the dark speaks volumes of romance, if you do not have the sewer stench and the creepy monsters on your tail.

3) Gardens – Flowers, birds and sunshine. Best for those who are afraid of the dark. Good for starting a gentle romance for first-timers. Just get rid of the gooseberry following your date in the nearest fountain.

4) Market street – too shy to walk with your loved one alone? Do it in a crowd on market day under the pretext of shopping. Hold her/his hand on the pretext of not getting lost. Don't get too lovey-dovey or be prepared to have the tea-girls singing naughty rhymes about you.

5) Gardens at night – For the adventurous, an illicit indulgence in the dark of the night may put sparks in your love life. Just beware of the bugs and things that go bump in the night. And that tiger…

* * *

Ask Leon

Leon here. I apologize for last issue's incident on the HAM radio. Dexter Knight is never gonna air his advice on my column ever. I regret to inform all that Knight D has quit the column in favour of chasing down vampires in Malta with his girlfriend. My colleagues, Prof WWW and HC-IIIX will be assisting me with the column today.

_Dear Leon,_

_Due to health reasons, I may be handing over the reins of power a lot sooner than I wish. My distant relatives are already sending their condolences (although I am still very much alive) and they are waiting for me to die so they can get down to dismantling the empire I oversaw for the last fifty years. Actually, I may have an heir somewhere that will scuttle my relatives' ambitions to the bottom of the English Channel. You see, my late son Gil may have had a daughter. Due to threats to his family's safety, he left her in a safe place 15 years back. Unfortunately, he was assassinated before he could tell me where my grandchild is. My trusted aides are working to find my grandchild before it is too late but they have all turned up blanks. Help. _

_- Granny Bridie_

Dear Granny

I am pleased to offer our aid in locating your missing grandchild. The Vatican runs about 70 percent of all orphanages in Europe and we can start from there. Please have your aide send us more information regarding your grandchild, such as place and date of birth, or distinguishing characteristics so we can run a check on our files. However, I regret to notify you that due to lack of manpower and the large number of babies left at Vatican orphanages, we may only be able to give you a reply in 10 years.

- With apologies, Leon

(Prof WWW: Actually, we can do it in less than an hour if we feed all that data into my latest invention here…

He feeds files into a weird machine. The machine bursts into flames, reducing the files to ashes. Leon grabs a fire hose and puts out the flames.

Leon: Nice going, Prof. There goes a thousand sisters' chances of being reunited with their families.)

_Dear Leon_

_My employer intends to send me abroad to seek a long-lost kin of hers. However, I am faced with a dilemma here. I suspect my kid sister is hanging out with the wrong crowd. She's the only family I have left. If I go abroad on my employer's urgent business, I fear that my sister will get into a whole mass of trouble. Last week, I discovered that she has been caching guns and ammunitions in our family boathouse overlooking the Thames. I don't want my sis to get into trouble…_

_- Worried Brother in Albion_

Dear Brother

Recommend that ammunitions be stored in a cool, dry place away from water. Please advise your sister that damp ammunitions can be a liability in an emergency.

– HC-IIIX

Persuade your employer to allow your sister to travel with you on business. A tour of Europe while searching for a missing person may do wonders for you and your estranged sibling, if you don't kill each other on the train first.

- Leon

_Dear Leon_

_My big brother is a stubborn stick-in-the-mud and an old fogy! He does not understand or support me one whit! Recently, I attended an eye-opener of a discussion with some friends. It really opened up my eyes to the unfairness in our society. So I suggest to my brother during dinner that we do something big to make things better for our people. He goes off on a lecture on not upsetting the status quo and all that trash. And he calls my ideas foolish! Needless to say, the dinner ended with us throwing plates at each other. Gah! What can I do to make him understand my beliefs are right? Our people cannot continue the way they are!_

_- Frustrated Sister in Albion_

Dear Sister

In out youth, we tend to feel our beliefs more strongly. Your brother may have a point in his argument. Albion is, after all, a somewhat conservative society. I am speaking as a fellow Albionian and from experience here. Changes can only be effected gradually in such a society. Cchanges that are too radical may work against your cause eventually. I got booted out of the Albion University over some radical experiments against university protocol. It took me a good five years before I could get back on my research and inventions. Speak with your brother. This time, try t reach a workable compromise.

- Yours with understanding, Professor WWW

Say, by any chance are you related to Worried Brother?

- Leon

* * *

_Memorial to the late Baron of Luxor_

_Radu, rest in peace. I never really understood you. Was power and the all that worth blowing our friendship over? Anyhow, since your father's still mad at you for getting your brothers and him arrested, we can't get you buried in your family crypt. I hope a plot in the Commoners' Cemetery is to your liking. You could see the sea from here and the sunrise too.

* * *

_

Personal Ads:

Family seeking long lost child. Expected age is fifteen. Red haired, blue-eyed. The family believes she may be in Germany, Bohemia or Hungary, possibly in the care of the Vatican Church. No recent picture of the child exists. Please contact Londinium Missing Persons Bureau if you have information on this girl's whereabouts.


	19. Issue 19

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

I have been slacking off on this fic recently. In this issue, Tres gets a family reunion with his bro Duo. The Albion Queen is Catholic?

* * *

_The Trinity Times_

_Issue 19_

ALBION QUEEN BRIDGET IX DIES

Pope to Preside at Funeral

Lomdinium – Queen Brigit IX of Albion passed away peacefully yesterday at the ripe old age of 87. The queen has been battling cancer for the past decade. She was attended to on her deathbed by her most trusted advisors. A state funeral will be held on Wednesday for her departed Majesty. In an unprecedented move, the Westminster cabinet has requested the Pope to preside over the funeral with the shocking revelation that Queen Brigit was a practising Catholic in life. This would make her the first Catholic Albionian monarch since King James III of the pre-Armageddon. The Queen converted to Catholicism shortly after Prince Gilbert's death 15 years ago. The reign of Queen Brigit IX was one of great peace and prosperity for the Albion people. The Vatican sends its condolences to the Albion nation at the loss of a most sainted monarch. His Sanctity will be conducting the funeral service for Queen Brigit this coming Wednesday.

_Parliamentary Rule Imposed in Absence of Clear Succession _

As a temporary measure, Westminster has imposed parliamentary rule in the absence of a clear successor to the throne. Queen Brigit IX had not named an heir to succeed her prior to her death or in her will. Possible contenders named are her distant cousins Duke Erin of Ireland and Ludwig XI of Germany. Rumours have also hinted at a possible military government. However, Albion Security Forces spokesperson Captain Mary Spencer has denied any truth to the rumours. Premier Anthony Blair has hinted that the current arrangements will be temporary until the late Queen's heir is announced.

* * *

BRAWL IN ROME'S MECHANICS BAR

Priests Implicated?

Rome- Vatican authorities are puzzled by an apparently senseless shootout in the Gun Metal Shack, a popular hangout for the city's mechanics and technicians. Thankfully, no one was wounded or killed. The Shack management states that they will be closed until further notice for damages to the place. Eyewitnesses claim that the perpetrators are a priest and a member of the Inquisition. "I was just serving them their battery fluid when these two maniacs started shooting at each other!" eyewitness and bartender Lucius Spanjack said. "I swear that it had nothing to do with my battery fluid or gasoline. All mechanics get their stuff from us and there have been no complaints." The brawlers have been taken into custody by the Vatican City police and will be dealt with.

* * *

Vatican City Bible House class schedules: Every Sunday at 11

_Bible class for Children. Let your child know the Lord through bible stories, prayer and song. Group leader: Sister Maria and Sister Rosa_

_Bible-study for Beginners. Easy to understand way to know God. Highly recommended for novices and new converts. Group leader: Brother Mark and Sister Clair._

_Bible discussion for mature believers to know more and learn about God. Group leader: Father Vaclav and Father Ralph _

_Bible Class for True Soldiers of God! Serve the Lord! For those believers who wish to join the Inquisition Army! Group leader: Brother Petros and Sister Paula

* * *

_

Ask Leon

Hi folks, Leon here. Today I am going solo on the letters, so brace yourselves for 100 percent Leon.

_Dear Leon _

HELP! my girlfriend's mother is insisting that we be married right away! is there anyway to evade this without breaking my relationship?! oh, in regards to that personal ad, yes she is in the care of the Vatican and yes she is a nun in the company of a priest with a HUGE chip on his shoulder. By the way, can you tell Hugue thanks for helping me patch up those bullet holes? I know I will write for the next issue too because my girlfriend's father is coming over!!

General Zargon, feeling extremely worried

Dear Worried,

Have you considered a vocation as a priest? Priests don't wed. For some weird reason, girls find a cassock a turn-on. So I guess it will not affect your relationship. I'm sure Hugue is reading this issue too, somewhere, if he is still alive…

- Leon

_Dear Uncle Leon_

_Er, I am a bit confused. What should I do? You see, I am living with this foster family. I have a foster aunt who is really nice to me. However, she and her friends are planning to do something bad. They are really good people and don't want them to get in trouble. I don't want people to get hurt… Wendy says she'll try to talk to them, but I don't think they will listen… Help._

_- Peter Pan_

Dear Peter

Gah, don't call me Uncle! Call me Elder Brother! Do you have a responsible grown-up you can speak to in your foster family? What is this bad thing you are speaking about?

- Yours angrily, Leon

_Dear Leon_

_Help, I have a tight-lipped colleague who is getting on my nerves! He has been sitting on a big secret that can possibly affect the future of our nation but he's not letting me on it! He's a teetotaller so I can't get him drunk to spill the beans. Also, as Methuselah, he does not react to truth serum as Terrans do. When I ask him, he says the time is not right. He says to wait until Wednesday. I can't wait that long! My men are getting edgy and I am afraid the army will rise in mutiny first!_

_- Impatiently yours, Captain MS_

Dear Captain MS

Chill out. Let your men get in some R and R while your colleague prepares his grand speech. I guess the secret he is sitting on must be a real explosive one, like the Albionian Queen being Catholic or my colleague having more than platonic feelings for a certain priest or our resident inventor smoking in the chemical store…

- Helpfully yours, Leon

* * *

Notice on safety: NO smoking in the Chemical stores! You know who you are – Vice-editor C _(Excuse me, I have to make a little detour to the local police post)

* * *

_

_Advertisement_

The Londinium Royal Puppet Theatre is pleased to present the classic favourite children's fairy tale: Sleeping Beauty. The play will be directed by the famous German child prodigy puppeteer, Dexter Longman. Show opens next Sunday with tickets going at 15 dinas each. Members of the Rose Cross Club are entitled to free entry for two upon presentation of their club membership cards. Rating to be advised.


	20. Issue 20

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

More sibling rivalry afoot. Diplomacy is on the cards in this issue. Katherina is in charge of the advice column. Child welfare activists on the move.

* * *

_The Trinity Times_

_Issue 20_

PAPAL VISIT TO ALBION

_Vatican to Strengthen Diplomatic Ties with Albion_

_Londinium-_ For the first time in a decade, the pope visited the island nation of Albion. Pope Alessandro XVIII presided yesterday over the funeral service of the late Albion monarch in response to an invitation by the Council of Westminster Peers. The dignified service was well attended by most of the Albionian nobles, court and various foreign dignitaries. The attendance list read like a Who's Who of the European nobility. Duke Erin of Ireland and Duke Ludwig were also present, fuelling speculation on the ascension. When interviewed, Vatican spokeswoman, Sister Esther Blanchett, stresses that the Vatican will not be interfering in the issue of ascension as it will be grossly inappropriate for a goodwill visit.

However, Cardinal Catherina Sforza has announced that the Vatican looks forward to furthering diplomatic ties with the Albion nation to the mutual benefit of both Vatican and Albion. "Both the Holy City and the Albion nation have enjoyed a cordial relationship for decades and we hope to maintain and further these ties. There have been some unfortunate misunderstandings in the past months, but the difficulties have been resolved." Recent difficulties included last year's Tristan incident that left 65 dead. The Albion inquest has raised questions about the alleged presence of two Vatican airships in the vicinity of the hijacked vessel and the alleged firing of a missile at the Tristan. The investigations have not found any concrete evidence implicating the Vatican in the incident.

A free technology trade agreement is expected to be discussed between the papal envoy and Captain Mary Spencer. The Vatican has long expressed interest in cooperating and development of Lost Technologies with the most advanced nation after the Empire of the New Breed. Many of the Albion computer chip developments and technologies are closely guarded by the Ministry of Technologies of Albion, under the direct supervision of the monarch. Minister of Technologies, Count of Manchester, Sir Virgil Walsh, is also expected to be present at the discussion.

The Vatican's ambassador-at-large, Cardinal Sforza, will not be present. The cardinal has turned down an invitation by Westminster on the grounds of her current ill health. She insists that her current headache was not the result of an alleged free-for-all scuffle with her brother on the steps of the St Peter's Basilica over the decision to allow the Pope to travel without an Inquisition legion in tow for security. Security for the pope will be provided by the Albion Security Forces.

* * *

_Rumours of Diplomatic Outreach to Empire Denied_

The Vatican is beleaguered by rumours of a possible treaty with the Empire of the New Breed, the sworn enemy of the Church since the Apocalypse. "Nonsense! Hogwash! No churchman will ever entertain such heresy! This is sheer blasphemy!" Cardinal Francesco declared from his hospital bed after an unfortunate accident involving his sister's cardinal's staff. While discussing security measures for His Sanctity's Albion visit, Cardinals Francesco and Catherina allegedly slipped on the wet steps of the basilica. Eyewitness reports claimed that Cardinal Sforza accidentally hit her brother on the head in the process. Cardinal Sforza has no comments on the rumours.

She acknowledged that while she will not be travelling to Albion, she will be receiving various Vatican allies and diplomats in the Holy City over the next fortnight. Expected visitors include Archbishop Lazarus of the Greek Eastern Orthodoxy, Archbishop Vladimir of the Russian Orthodoxy and Grand Master Matthew of the Order of the Hospitaller Knights.

_(Cardinal Sforza schedules a dinner appointment with some very special guests from the Kiev region)_

* * *

SHOCK R(A) RATING FOR CHILDREN'S FAIRYTALE

Londinium- Parents did a double-take when the Londinium Royal Puppet Theatre announced that their latest play, _Sleeping Beauty,_ will be released with a R(A) rating. The producers promise artistic violence and erotic scenes in this twist to this old favourite. Child welfare groups have raised protest against the theatre's decision to proceed with the play. "We cannot allow such filth! Not even with a R rating!" Nanna Darling, chairwoman of one of the nation's leading child welfare organizations vowed. "Think of the all the innocents who will be irreparably traumatized."

What is more shocking is the revelation that it was the child prodigy puppeteer, Dexter Longman, who suggested the dark remake. When interviewed, Dexter Longman only smiled and replied: "Doing things the old way is sooo boring. So I decide to jazz things up a bit with some good old sex and violence. This is not for tiny tots, though I will not stop any tiny tot who wants to stick about for the show. Just don't go howling to your mama when it is over. Perhaps I will do Red Riding Hood next…"

* * *

Ask Leon

Due to certain unexpected and unfortunate circumstances, I, Katherina, will be covering this issue's advice column with HC-IIIX. Leon, Father A and the other regulars are currently away on urgent business in Albion. If you are reading this, you better bring my kid brother home safe and sound. And stay out of trouble. I mean it!

_Dear Leon_

_Everyone thinks I am sleeping with my supervisor. The whole company is gossiping about it. So what if I do spend loads of time in his rooms. We always have to work extra hard because our boss is a slave-driver and a demanding SOB. Also the other guys are bums! I crash out on his sofa and he crashes out in his armchair (if vampires like him still require their sleep). We have some office ladies writing us into Yaoi fantasies on the office blog! I am gonna strangle the lot of rumour mongers at the company night puppet show! _

_- Disturbed Puppeteer_

Dear Puppeteer

Strangling your colleagues will not improve your popularity. Why is it only you two wind up on overtime? This reeks of mismanagement. Perhaps you and your supervisor can rope in your other colleagues to assist you. More hands make light work.

- Katherina

_Dear Leon_

_I can't believe I am writing in to you given your track record for bad advice. Maybe it is because of my concussion from the basilica incident. My sister is a BITCH! She is probably hankering after MY post at the company. She is not fit to hold her current post! She is irresponsible and reckless! She consorts with delinquents, felons and other dubious characters of suspect origins. Somedays I feel like locking her up in my dungeons where the sun doesn't shine and throwing the key down a volcano._

_- Unhappy Brother Frances_

Dearest Brother

The feeling is mutual. You are a stubborn fanatic of the worst kind. You obviously slept through the lecture: "Blessed be the Peacemakers". You are such a warmonger and an imbecile! Do you really think we can win any souls for God by declaring war on everyone else? Grr, and I have to clear up the mess after you let loose your Inquisition dogs on the people!

-Your ever-loving sister

_Dear Leon _

I considered it but then my girlfriend pulled out a bazooka and threatened to use it if I took a vow of celibacy. By the way, who's idea was it to come up with a vow of celibacy anyway?! sorry, off topic, my girlfriend's father has taken up residence in the guest room and is watching me like a hawk so I can't launch any bloody campaigns without alerting the old man! What should I do about the weapons I keep in the attic?? I managed to deter him from checking up there but I have a feeling that I won't be able to do that for long, any suggestions? I feel obligated to tell you that Contra Mundi is about to launch an attack on Albion and Father Nightroad is going to die, only telling you this because I owe Hugue a favor since he beat me at cards last week, that man can bluff like nobodys business!!. You'd best watch your back cause Contra Mundi will have some Methuselah made shield. By the way, can you tell me the best way to get bloodstains out of clothing?.

General Zargon, feeling sympathetic and still extremely worried

Dear General,

My records show that the word 'celibacy' does not ring any bells with Leon. In fact, Leon has been observed on 1440 occasions trying to chat up assorted ladies of dubious profession…

- HC-IIIX

(Katherina makes note to speak with Leon over certain clauses in the code of conduct)

* * *

_Petition: Save our children's fairytales_

The Albion Association for Protection of Children (AAPC) will be holding a petition signing session this weekend to safeguard the innocence of our children by protecting their fairytales. We will not allow classical favourites like Sleeping Beauty and Red Riding Hood be corrupted. The venue is Queen Brigit Rose Park, next to the Royal Puppet Theatre, from 8 am to 7 pm.

– Nanna Darling, Chairwoman

P.S. Please bring along a pillowcase of feathers. We will provide the tar.

* * *

_Personal Ad_

_D, kindly explain why I went to Berlin to pay my respects to my recently departed sister, Greta, to find her coffin empty? You better not have her stashed away somewhere… _

– _Isaak (reading up on the application of painful torture methods)

* * *

_

Brother A, please, please be careful if you are going after him. I mean it! I promise not to rile the Vatican folks or let my people rile them. I am taking your negotiating thing seriously! Just don't get killed!

– Sister S

* * *

Advertisement 

Ghet-Beauty Shampoo introduces new herbal formula extra strength for treatment of split-ends and dry, damaged hair. Why suffer unruly locks when you can enjoy supple, strong, healthy hair. Available at all salons and pharmacies in Albion.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

Someone is making a lot of enemies in this issue. Imagine Dexter getting tarred and feathered. Maybe Greta gets the leading role in Sleeping Beauty. I don't think Isaak is amused. One puppeteer is not very amused about allegations of yaoi between him and a Magician.


	21. Issue 21

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

This is dragging out a bit longer than I expected. Dietrich is still alive, for now… Petros and crew receive their marching orders.

* * *

_The Trinity Times_

_Issue 21_

UPRISING IN LONDINIUM?

_Pope in Danger? Albion Government Denies Allegations_

Londinium- The capital of Albion has seen a marked increase in troop presence since the funeral of its late monarch. Westminster has refused to comment on whether they will be voting on the temporary instalment of a military government pending the succession issue. Tension has been increasing in the city due to the uncertainties of the succession. Some Londinium citizens have reported feeling tremors yesterday. No explanation has been offered by the government for them.

Fears are rampant that instigators and insurgents may make use of this period to spread unrest and further their own agendas. The current situation is further compounded by the Pope's visit and hints of Vatican interest in the country. Dukes Erin and Ludwig have offered to send in their armies to restore stability. However, the good councillors of Westminster has turned down their offer stating that accepting it will act against the nation's principles of neutrality and Albionian sovereignty.

The acting Head of Albion Home Security Council stresses that despite an increase in troop movements in the capital, there is no risk of uprising. "There is a little tension in the city, unrelated to the Pope's visit. However, to ensure His Sanctity's safety, we have increased security presence in the city. We have everything under control," Captain Mary Spencer said to reporters during a hastily called press conference. Buckingham Palace, where the Pope is currently housed, is under heavy guard.

_Stock Market Spiral_

The computer chip stock has dropped by five points in response to unrest in the world's leading chip manufacturing nation, Albion, with possibility of a succession wrangle over the throne. Losses are reported in the related airship and communication stocks. Albion has supplied high tech computer chips and other technology to many industries in Europe. In a surprise move, Ghet-Tech, the world's leading computer chip manufacturer has announced a halt in productions as of yesterday. No explanation was provided by the company. Market analysts speculate that the move may be response to possible unrest in Albion. Many believe that the manufacturer will resume operations after the succession issue has been resolved.

* * *

INQUISITION FLEET LEAVES FOR ALBION

Invasion Rumours Abound

Rome- The Inquisition air fleet has left the Holy City in what is possibly the largest military exercise since Cartago. The destination of the fleet is Albion, a nation currently facing imminent unrest. Rumours abound that it may be a precursor to an all-out invasion of Albion. Captain Petros of the Inquisition stressed that the rumours are baseless and without merit. "It is purely a security detail sent to protect His Sanctity in light of the possibility of unrest. We will be working closely with the Albionian Army to quell any unrest. We will not allow any vampire to threaten our pope! We will weed out any treasonous, unholy rebels. My men will utterly crush… Paula! Wait up!"

_(The interview comes to an abrupt end as the good captain rushes to catch his flight out of Rome.)

* * *

_

Ask Leon, I mean, Ask Katherina

Well, I have HC-IIIX waiting at the airport to pick up some special dinner guests. I do hope they get here on time. Flights are all delayed or cancelled thanks to some Vatican army manoeuvres… I guess it is up to me to reply your letters.

_What do you do when your oh so cute brother hates your guts? How do you cope with it when he tries to kill you, and ruins your organization? __  
-ContraMundi_

Dear Contra

I can relate fully except for the cute part. My brother is far from cute. My brother hates my guts as much as I do his. Beyond reminding myself of the commandment "Thou shalt not kill" constantly, there is little I can do but tolerate his sorry existence.

- Yours, Katherina

_Dear Leon_

_My kid sister has totally blown it this time! My factory has been bombed by her little terrorist buddies and a VIP under my protection missing and possibly kidnapped. I knew I should have had her locked up after finding those semi-auto machine guns in her closet. That aside, the VIP is still missing and my head is on the block, literally. I have been granted a grace period to negotiate with my sister's pals before the council decides to use the good old axe on my neck. Decapitation is fatal even for folks like us. My family name has been utterly disgraced. Should I request for a silver-bullet firing squad for me and my sister? I know it is only a matter of time before that stubborn girl gets caught…_

_- Really, Really Worried Brother in Albion_

Dear Really Worried

My sympathies are with you. Seriously, if that VIP you are referring to is His Sanctity, your family honour will be the least of your worries. If you fail to find your VIP safe and sound, I fear you are looking at a possible genocide carried out by a certain army on orders on this VIP's big brother. Get my drift?

- Yours seriously, Katherina

P.S. If you ever get your sis out of this mess alive, I would like to enjoy a cup of tea with her and discuss how to ruin my brother's life. She seems to have that part pat.

_Dear Leon _

I really didn't need to know about those women, but thanks for the imagery! insert a lot of sarcasm into that last statement. Can anyone in the Vatican tell me the best way to remove bloodstains from clothing? I had a little incident with a traitor and a double-bladed hand axe recently. Can someone please tell me how I can hide a large amount of pain-inducing weapons from my girlfriend's father for about 2 weeks? I will be eternally grateful and, if Cardinal Catherina is reading this, promise to assassinate Francesco at the earliest opportunity.

General Zargon, feeling very VERY worried

Dear Zargon

I would suggest using your underground catacombs, if any. It's amazing how many things you can put in those places. You can hide an entire fleet of rockets in there. For pesky bloodstains, my dear mama always suggested salt and cold water. By the way, can you kindly hold the assassination part until after I'm done defrocking and humiliating him in St Peter's Square before the populace of Rome for trying to cause a diplomatic incident with Albion?

- Yours gratefully, Katherina

* * *

Personal Ad

Dear your Holiness, I am sorry you misunderstood Mr Metal-head's report. I confess I did have contact with some streetwalkers during my missions, but it is purely for evangelistic purposes only. I am trying to lead those poor lost souls back to God. I have a daughter meself and it just gets me in the heart that those young ladies are wasting their lives and destroying themselves on those streets. Believe me. You can ask the good sisters at the YWCA and St Magdalene's.

- Leon

* * *

_Transportation required: URGENT!_

I need transportation for some props for my play urgently! My last group of movers got a little too queasy for their own good. Contact Dexter Longman at Londinium Rose Hotel.

* * *

Personal Ad:

Sister willing to negotiate with stick-in-mud brother. Same old place.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

Please read and review. Any suggestions on how Dietrich's death should be reported?


	22. Issue 22

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Someone dies in this issue, in fact, more than one. Goodbye Dietrich. Even dead, he still manages to cause a spot of trouble for those nasty child welfare groups.

* * *

_The Trinity Times_

_Issue __22_

ATTACK ON LONDINIUM'S BUCKINGHAM PALACE

Act of War by Person Unknown?

Londinium – The capital city of Albion has declared a state of emergency after an audacious one-man attack on Buckingham palace yesterday. The motive for the attack and the identity of the single perpetrator remains unknown. However, both Albion and Vatican officials have stated that the attack has nothing to do with the Inquisition troops recently posted to the city. Eyewitnesses describe the attacker as having long blond hair, dressed in an outlandish white outfit. He was also described as having handsome looks.

"He was just floating there like, you know, an angel or a demon…" one of the injured palace guards reported. "He stuck out his hand and all our bullets stopped mid-air like, and then he blew apart the palace. Oh my god! The horror, the horror…"

The historical Buckingham Palace was left a smoking ruin. The attack left fifteen dead and numerous injured, including Albion Security Chief, Captain Mary Spencer. The good captain escaped severe injury but was reported to be in a state of severe shock at press time. The Westminster Council has condemned the attack as an act of war by person unknown. Albion intelligence agents are currently investigating the incident. Rumours place the blame at the door of the new Breed Empire-based terrorists. The Empire has strongly denied responsibility for the attack and condemned it as an unprovoked and senseless act of war. The Empress has sent a statement through the Albionian embassy in Byzantinum to express her condolences to the Albion nation.

* * *

_Puppeteer Goes Missing_

_Londinium Puppet Theatre Cancels Controversial Show _

The Royal Londinium Puppet Theatre announced yesterday that they will be cancelling the controversial R rated show Sleeping Beauty in light of the mysterious disappearance of the lead puppeteer, Dexter Longman. The puppeteer has come under fire from child activists recently for his upcoming show. Child welfare groups have held protests against the show since Monday. His manager has called in the police in light of several threatening letters received. It is understood that Dexter Longman was last seen leaving his hotel two nights ago. Authorities fear the worst in light of violent protests by child activist groups in the vicinity. It is not known why he had left the hotel alone despite being warned of the danger.

Speculation is rife that Dexter Longman has been secretly killed. Distraught young women believed to be fans of the young man were seen placing flowers at the doorstep of the theatre. The ladies declined to be interviewed. The manager has asked all fans not place flowers at the door of his theatre as he is suffering from a bout of hay fever. The theatre will be closed till further notice.

* * *

Ask Leon

HC-IIIX reporting. As Lady Katherina has certain pressing matters to see to, I will be covering her duties. Proceed to analyse letters and find appropriate solutions… BEEP!

_Dear Leon_

_I am in a bit of a pickle. You see, there was this puppeteer who was out to corrupt children's fairy tales, so me and my mates decided to warn him off a bit. Guess what, PC Plod is knocking on our door to question us about the said bloke's paying the piper. I swear on the grave of my dear grandmamma that we have nothing to do with the bloke's one-way trip to his Maker. We were intending to tar and feather him only! Then run him out of town on the next ferry to France. _

_- Thomas Darling, vice-chair of Albion Child Welfare Society_

Dear Sir

Failure to compute: PC Plod, paying the piper… No solution computed.

-HC-IIIX

_Dear Leon (or whoever is answering the letters this time) _

I have taken Cardinal Katherina's advice and hidden all my weapons in my underground catacombs, I have also washed the bloodstains out of my clothing so everything was going well. Notice I said 'was' going well, everything went to hell in a handbasket when one of my generals showed up and started talking about some of my more bloody campaigns. Yeah, my girlfriend's father pretty much exploded, anyone know a way to erase someone's memory or getting rid of some select knowledge from their mind without killing them? By the way, I will hold off Francesco's assasination until he is suitably humiliated. I would also like to inform Katherina that I now owe her a favor for telling me how to get bloodstains out of clothes.

General Zargon, feeling very murderous and worried

Dear General

Recommend selective deletions of relevant memory files.

-HC-IIIX

* * *

Obituaries:

Dietrich von Lohengrin, aged 17. Remembered fondly as a treacherous snake in the grass, a sadist and a grave-robber by all. I told you so. Do burn in hell and don't say I didn't warn you. Oh, to save on the Club's budget, we have voted not to claim your sorry carcass for any funeral.

– Your comrades of the Rose Cross

_Dear Father Abel, rest in peace and God's perpetual light shine upon you (sob). A private service will be held in Roslyn Chapel, outside Londinium. We will miss you _

_– your colleagues of AX._

* * *

Advertisements:

Calling for bids for reconstruction of Buckingham Palace, Albion. Interested parties please contact Count Virgil of Manchester via Londinium Gentlemen's Club.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

I used British slang in the letter from the Child Welfare. PC Plod is referring to the police. Paying the piper means died. Guess who wrote Dietrich's obit?

The next one will be on the Orden's attack.


	23. Issue 23

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Fireworks over Albion.

* * *

_The Trinity Times_

_Issue __23_

ATTACK ON LONDINIUM!

_Proof of Extraterrestrial Civilization with Access to Lost Technology?_

Londinium- The capital city of Albion suffered great loss of life and property when an aircraft of unknown origin attacked it last night. Death rays and lasers destroyed scores of buildings as far from the epicentre as Roslyn Chapel. The historical Roslyn Chapel was one of the many pre-Armageddon architectural wonders of Albion. Miraculously, the only occupant in the chapel at the time of its destruction escaped unscathed. The aircraft was seen hovering over the Thames where it exploded from unknown causes. The attack, though lasting only a brief three hours, has left the city reeling.

Experts are baffled as to the origins of the craft which has been described as far beyond what even the most advanced nations of the world are capable of. "Such a craft is aerodynamically challenged, the design as described by eyewitnesses defy all known rules of flight. However, we cannot discount the possibility that it may be a revival of Lost Technology or an advancement of technology," Albion University professor of aeronautics Gregory Wright stated when interviewed. The Thames will be trawled for the wreckage of the craft to ascertain its origins.

_Strange Winged Beings Spotted in Albionian Skies_

Numerous eyewitnesses as far as Salisbury, Dover and York described a pair of winged figures duelling in the skies above Albion last night. It is not known if they were related in any way to the mysterious craft that attacked the capital around the same time. The sightings lasted about fifteen minutes. "One was a white angel of destruction and the other a black beast of lightning. The Apocalypse is upon us all! Repent! Repent, you evil generation!" The Archbishop Thomas Beckett of Canterbury, an eyewitness, declared from his ward in the Bedlam Institute of Mental Health where he had been admitted for observation.

* * *

HEIR TO ALBIONIAN THRONE FOUND?

In a shocking declaration, Westminster has announced that the true heir to the Albionian throne has been found. A young woman has been named as biological grandchild of the late Queen Brigit of Albion. The will of Queen Brigit has been released to the council by Count Virgil of Manchester. The document has been since verified by experts from the Albion University. The will named her biological grandchild as her heir. The identity of the woman will be withheld until DNA tests confirm her parentage. Duke Erin and Ludwig of Germany are expected to challenge this claim.

* * *

Ask Leon

Dear readers, I apologize but today I will be leaving you in the capable hands of Lady Asta, a visitor to the Holy City, as I have urgent matters to see to. I assure you that Lady Asta is fully qualified as an advisor, having held diplomatic court posts in her home country. God bless you for your kind understanding, Lady Asta _(rushes off)_

Lady Asta: What? I thought we were going to do the peace treat… Hey, you better get back soon if I do this gig!

_Dear Leon, _

_M__y brother is engaged to this nice and beautiful woman, but father keeps insisting she's a Methuselah, just because she hangs around them! Now he's planning to show up at their wedding with a gun and silver bullets. I am no Vatican member, but a bullet no matter what material has to hurt, right? Whose happiness am I suppose to choose, warn my brother for his, or stay quiet for my father's? And if you're telling me to get them to sit down and talk, father's already locked brother out of the house and brother's already tried burning the door to get in. _

_- Now Living in a Madhouse_

Dear Madhouse

If your bro has any brains, he should hold the wedding in broad daylight outdoors to allay your father's fears or confirm them. Either way, it will solve the problem. If the bride-to-be has any objections, I recommend a good old fashioned elopement. I have two vacancies in my mansion in Byzantium after my butler and lady's maid had an unfortunate run-in with my pet tigress while having a little tête-à-tête in the garden one night. Any takers?

- Lady Asta  
_  
Dear Leon (or Catherina if you're still here,_

_I am seriously concerned about the sibling rivalry the current Cardinals suffer from. I have diagnosed shocking malice between the two of them. Sitting down and talking does not seem to work, and while drastic measures would be locking them together in a room or closet for a day, we're concerned about one of them turning up dead. So, any suggestions?  
- Vatican psychiatrist_

Dear Doc,

In my hometown, we have a charmingly effective way of resolving family disagreements without turning it into a death-duel. It is called overseas posting… which is the reason why I am here answering your letter after that spat with Sis over my tigress eating her Pekinese. You throw as much distance between the parties as possible and hopefully things will cool down. I would recommend sending that Inquisition cardinal to a remote island to convert the rocks. Don't let him back until the rocks start singing _Alleluia_. Sis, if you are reading this, I am sorry about that mangy dog, you old bitch! I have just received my pet's pelt via express post and I am not amused. Death duel anytime!

- Lady Asta

_Dear Leon_

My girlfriend's father is not a robot so the solution posed by HC-IX won't work, so thanks for nothing you two-bit priest with an obssession for redheads! Sorry, got a little carried away there, back on topic now. My girlfriend's father is threatening to move his family to an undisclosed location so I can't see my girlfriend! What should I do about this?. By the way, if someone doesn't attempt to offer some helpful advice I'll make Rome my next target for attack! In case your wondering, I am not completely rational in situations like this.

General Zargon, feeling extremely desperate and worried

PS. You are invited to the execution on the general who started this whole thing, I never really like him anyway

Dear Zargon

In my country, your problem is easily solved by a death-duel. Basically, as I am not an inhabitant of this bloody city, I wouldn't mind you attacking… excuse me, my superior has telegrammed me a message…

_Mirka (by telegram): Asta dear, remember to negotiate peace, not war and take care of Ion OR ELSE!_

Asta: Oh (bleep) where's that blond brat? (Runs out frantically)

* * *

Advertisements

URGENT. Architects, builders and masons needed in Albion. Contact the nearest Albionian embassy for openings.

_Want to whip your wimpy offspring into shape? Sign them up for a summer at Baybars' Army Boot Camp. Open to all worthless sons and daughters of Byzantinum nobility. Never let them disgrace you again. Contact Captain Barbara, Duke Baybars' daughter at the Army Post Surplus Store. _

Mother Lefarges Dressmakers: Makers of fine dresses and women's accessories in Albion since the Armageddon. We do pearls, gems and lace trims for your evening gowns. Special offer on our ladies soft leather boots for our winter season.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

It's nearing the last issue soon. Oh, any letters after this issue may not be answered. Anything you readers would like to read about? I may be motivated to start one newsletter eclusively for the RCO for my next project...

Please read and review.


	24. Issue 24

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

This is the last issue I will be posting, though supposedly, it will continue to inform the faithful of the latest news in the Trinity Blood universe. Alessandro takes charge, finally. More dirty politics and foul play behind the scenes.

* * *

_The Trinity Times_

_Issue __24_

Letter from the Chief Editor

Dear faithful readers,

I wish to apologize for the delay in this publication due to certain reassignment in management duties. Firstly, I regret to inform all that Vice-editor Francesco de Medici, will be resigning from his post and leaving the Holy City on a diplomatic mission to Byzantium to set up the first Vatican consulate in the city since its founding 900 years ago. We will feel his absence most keenly. The Inquisition army, previously under the Cardinal Francesco's command will now answer directly to the Pope, under the continued captaincy of Brother Petros.

I also wish to congratulate my sister in Christ, Esther Blanchett, on her coronation and will pray that the Lord continue to bless her and her people in this time of great change. May the light of the Lord lead the nation of Albion into a golden era.

God's peace and blessings to all

-Chief Editor, Pope Alessandro XVIII

* * *

QUEEN ESTHER II OF ALBION CROWNED

Londinium – Fireworks graced the skies of Londinium last night in celebration of the crowning of Queen Esther II. The coronation ceremony was carried out by His Sanctity, Pope Alessandro XVIII, in place of the Archbishop Thomas Beckett of Canterbury as the good archbishop has been incapacitated since the unexplained attack on Londinium two months ago. The coronation has been held off for weeks pending repeated DNA tests regarding the paternity of the young queen. The tests have since confirmed that Esther, a supposed foundling raised by the Church in Istvan, is indeed the offspring of the late Prince Gilbert and biological grandchild of the late Queen Bridget.

The results are greeted with immense relief by Westminster. The Vatican has stated that they will not be intervening in Albion's internal government despite Esther being raised by the Church as a nun for the past fifteen years of her life. "The Vatican's duties with regards to Albion's government end with this ceremony. However, I will continue to bless all faithful, whether Albionian or not, Terran or Methuselah," His Sanctity stated in front of the press. The Pope refused further comments regarding the first public diplomatic mission to be sent into the very heart of the New Human Breed Empire.

* * *

Boating Accident on Thames

Duke Erin and Ludwig of Germany have been killed what appears to be a boating accident on the Thames. The official statement alleged that both nobles had gotten into a quarrel over who will wed the young queen the night before the ceremony. A scuffle ensued on the pleasure boat they were on and shots were fired. Both men then fell overboard. The bodies were recovered shortly after the coronation. Their bodies will be sent back to their families.

Sir Virgil Walsh and Captain Mary Spencer, both slated to act as advisors to Queen Esther, fiercely denies any marital arrangements between Albion and Ireland or Germany. Both advisors and the Count's sister were alleged to be present on the same pleasure craft as the victims. "The idea of marriage is a little premature at this stage," Captain Spencer stresses. "We will not be imposing this particular duty on Her Majesty at least, till she is eighteen. Of course, Her Majesty will have the final say in such a matter. I do not know what suggested to those two that they are potential consorts."

* * *

REVELATIONS!

_Albionian Leadership Admit to Methuselah Labour in Nation's Prosperity _

In an astounding announcement, Westminster admits for the first time, the use of Methuselah labour in its computer chip industry. It is understood that this practice has been in place for a good five hundred years at least. A special committee has been set up to look into the welfare of Methuselahs and the possibility of integrating Albion's Methuselah population with her mainstream society. A move many say is long overdue. Market analysts were all doom and gloom in the initial hours after the announcement. Surprisingly, shares prices did not plummet as predicted but rose when the Empire announced a potential free trade agreement with Albion. The Empress has requested permission for one of her ministers to visit Albion in her place to discuss further cooperation. It is understood that Westminster has agreed to the meeting.

Vatican Outreach to Byzantinum: _Peace Treaty Signed_

Rome – The Pope has sent the first official diplomatic mission to the Empire of the New Breed as the first official step in mending the gulf between both Terran and Methuselah races since the Armageddon. It is understood that the Vatican has been secretly negotiating peace with the Empire over the past year or so. The negotiations were led by the Cardinal Caterina Sforza, known for her outstanding diplomatic record. It is understood that she received an envoy from the Empire in the Holy City a few months go and oversaw the signing of the first peace treaty. However, due to concerns regarding her health, it will be the brother, Cardinal Francesco, who will be establishing the first consulate in the Empire's capital.

"Blessed are the peacemakers, the way things stand, we have access to great wonders of science and technology, but all this is nothing if we spend our time killing each other instead of using this wealth of knowledge to better humankind's lot. By humankind, I refer to both Terran and Methuselah," Cardinal Caterina states when interviewed. "I am sure there may be dissents in some quarters and it will be a trying time for all. Still, I have faith in the Good Lord that He will bless this move towards a new era of world peace."

* * *

Count of Manchester a Methuselah, Sister Second Albionian Methuselah Titled

Count Virgil Walsh has admitted his Methuselah heritage in a move that has rattled the Albionian high society. The count accidentally blurted out the fact at the coronation reception after one too many champagnes while trying to turn down an invitation to the Derby races by the Baroness of Kent. However, he will keep his title as no Albionian law states that Methuselahs cannot hold court posts. Highly popular among the Terran ladies of the court, the count says he is now looking forward to a long period of peace and quiet until his admirers get over the shock and start sending him invitations again.

In a surprise move, the Council has decided to confer a title on Sir Virgil's sister, Lady Vanessa for outstanding service to the nation during the Londinium disaster despite rumours that she was implicated in certain irregularities in the local ammunitions department. Lady Vanessa will now be known as the Countess of Liverpool and head the newly formed Methuselah welfare ministry. The actual conferment ceremony is set for late next month. Lady Vanessa will in the meantime, undergo a crash course in court etiquette and protocol. The Countess was described as being hysterical with joy as her brother made arrangements to enrol her in _Duchess Borgia's Academy for Noblewomen_.

* * *

_Miracle in Paris: Angel Imprint on Notre Dame Wall_

Paris- Notre Dame has attracted hundreds of pilgrims over the past two months as people flock to see the angel imprint left on the North Wall of the cathedral. It is alleged that an angel crashed into the wall one night, leaving behind the imprint of a humanoid figure with wings. The Vatican has ruled it a possible hoax but people still flock to the scene.

* * *

Ask Lady Asta

Dear all readers, for some odd political and personal reasons, I am currently posted to the Holy City as ambassador-at-large for the Empire of the New Breed and unable to return home without a certain person in my company. Since I am dying of boredom while waiting for my travel visas to be approved for my diplomatic tour of Western Europe, I have agreed to assist with this column since Leon and your regular advisors are probably living it up in Albion style at someone's grand party.

_Dear Leon,_

_Would you kindly assist me with a delicate problem? My only grandson has run away from his duties to our empire and has not come home since. I sent me a telegram saying he is going to join some hunt for some highly dangerous beasts. He has been seen gallivanting about the continent with a certain pale-haired, bespectacled priest of dubious origins by my people. You know what they say about filthy, lecherous priests. Help, my little angel is such an innocent! If that priest dares to touch my grandson, I swear I will blast him to kingdom come!_

_- Frantic with worry, Grandma Mira_

Dear Mira

I can empathize with you, except it is the priest I fear for if his name happens to be Abel. Maybe it would help if you promise not to send your grandson to Baybars' summer camp? That old duke can give the hardiest cadets nightmares. I've been there before.

- Yours sweatdroppingly, Lady Asta

_Dear Leon_

_Help! My brother is punishing me by trying to turn me into a (bleeping-bleeping) high society lady! He has this ogress come teach me etiquette. I am sick of trying balance books on my head while mincing my steps. And she is trying to get this torture device they call a corset on me. How the hell do they expect me to breathe in that thing? _

_- Frustrated in Albion, Not-a-Lady_

Dear Lady

Ah, the price we pay for looking beautiful and classy. The key, girl, is to be yourself. Be who you are most comfortable with. If corsets and book-balancing is not your cuppa tea, then junk the corset and hop on your Harley. Don't forget to smile and tell your brother to (bleep). It is amazing how much you can do with a nice smile.

- Girl power all the way, Lady Asta

_Dear Leon_

_I am writing in because I am desperate! My kid brother has the gall to strip me of my army and pack me off to Byzantinum as a consulate staff. Help! I am surrounded by vampires here. I have tried writing to my brother but he has only replied that it will do me good to immerse myself in understanding of those beasts! I know they are unholy monsters and that is enough! _

_- Diplomat to the Boondocks_

Dear Sir,

You do not sound so diplomatic. I suppose your prejudices are laid on a tad thick in your thick skull. Firstly, the proper term is Methuselah, not vampire. We are very much human too, thank you. Maybe your brother should have sent you on that convert-rocks-on-a- remote-island mission. You would fit right in with those rocks.

- Indifferently yours, Lady Asta

* * *

Personals 

RCO folks, please meet at Paris Notre Dame Cathedral with a shovel and bucket. If we can get enough of his bits and pieces, we may be able to put Humpty Dumpty together again. – Isaak

_Ion! Get back home please. Grandmama is worried sick about you. I will not send you to that Boot Camp if you don't want to! - Mirka _(crosses fingers behind back and submits application for Ion to attend the Yeniceri Cadet Training School)

Brother A, please kindly return my favourite courtier, Ion. His grandmother is frantic with worry and clawing up the walls as by our standards, he is still a minor. Please do not poach from my nurseries, okay?

– Augusta Seth

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

It's the end for the fic. Please read and review.

Thanks for all the reviews.


End file.
